


Always to you (I will always return)

by Dragonheart07



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Hydra (Marvel), Pining, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24716377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonheart07/pseuds/Dragonheart07
Summary: “Were we close?” he asked, breaking the awkward silence.Close? Like you-were-on- the-verge-of-asking-me-out close?“We…we were good friends, I’d say,” you said walking to sit down in the chair next to his bed.He nodded and looked away. There was a mixture of sadness and confusion in his eyes that had your heart breaking into a million pieces.Bucky Barnes went missing while on a mission. When he returns he doesn't remember any of you. The reader and Bucky had been dancing around each other for ages; but, sadly Bucky remembers nothing now. Pining, mild angst and a happy ending.PS: Song credits to Bryan Adams (I will always return and Here I am)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 35
Kudos: 156





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I have been working on for a while. I am not entirely happy with it. But, here it is. Hoping you'll enjoy it. I would love to hear from you. Do let me know if you liked the chapter. I will keep updating regularly.

_I hear the wind call my name_  
_The sound that leads me home again_  
_It sparks up the fire, a flame that still burns_  
_To you I'll always return_

  
“They are bringing him in. Will be here in less than 20,” Nat said, addressing the room. Your eyes met briefly and you did not miss the concern in hers. You looked away and focussed on your phone. No one spoke. Wanda and Clint got up and joined Nat by the window side looking up at the sky.  
You remained on the couch, your eyes determinedly fixed on the phone screen while your heart hammered in your chest. After all these months of futile searches, you had finally found him- alive. What might have happened to him that had kept him from coming back? A million possibilities flashed through your mind, like they had been doing for all the days Bucky Barnes had gone missing.  
Bucky was always a reluctant avenger. Had he finally decided that he had had enough and decided to run away? He would not do that to Steve; or to you, you wished to think. You two had been dancing around each other for ages. You were sure there was something between you.  
Or what if something grave had happened to him? Had Hydra got its nasty hands on him again? Was he mortally injured? Anyway he was alive and he was coming back. He was not dead, like you feared.  
Time ticked past. You could hear the others murmuring by the window side. Then you heard another murmur- the Quinjet nearing. You jumped up as if by reflex and was ready to run outside when Nat said.  
“Y/N, Steve asked us to wait in the hall. Maybe they need to visit the hospital wing first.”  
“Why? Is he injured?” you asked, your voice faltering despite your effort.  
“I don’t know what the situation is. Steve said he would explain,” Nat replied.  
You nodded and sat down reluctantly. Your vision blurred with the tears building up. What was up with you? You never cried. You did not cry when he went missing. You knew that would not help. You had searched diligently for him with the team. And it was you and Nat that located him in Romania. You did not break down easily. But after all these months of fearing the worst, he was alive; he was close by. You did not know what to expect and you were overwhelmed. You let the tears flow freely. You felt Wanda sitting beside you. She wrapped you up in her arms. It was in that moment that you realised how much you loved Bucky. It was not a thing you had- you were in love with him.  
“Guys!”  
You wiped your tears away on your sleeve as you heard Cap’s voice boom in the room. You looked up to see a tired looking Cap walking towards you.  
“Bucky is alright- physically. No serious bodily injuries or anything,” he paused and looked around apprehensively.  
“What is it, Steve? What is wrong then?” you shouted without meaning to.  
“He…well…no easy way to put this - he has amnesia. He does not remember anything…or anyone,” he finished staring down at the floor.  
He was ok; that was what mattered, right? You silenced the selfish voice in your head that asked if he’d remember you.  
“What did Dr. Cho say?” you asked.  
“She is just talking to him. She doesn’t know yet,” said Steve.  
“Was it Hydra like we feared? They have wiped his memory before, right?” asked Clint. You felt a shiver run down your spine.  
“He went missing while on a mission to a Hydra base. So they are still our primary suspects. But, he has not said anything yet,” replied Steve.  
“Are Tony and Sam down there with him?” asked Nat.  
“Yes. They are in the hospital wing.”  
“How did you convince him to come with you if he doesn’t remember you?” you asked.  
“He might not remember us. But, he was doing his research and had found out about us. Might have been easy to find out who he was. There are not many people around with a metal arm, right?” Steve laughed, trying to defuse the situation. You did not feel like laughing.  
“Anyways,” Steve continued, “he had created this huge board with all of our details. He was trying to remember. So when we showed up, he was not very surprised.”  
“If he knew who he was why didn’t he try to contact us?” you asked.  
“Don’t know. Maybe he was just figuring stuff out. Trying to find out what happened to him,” Steve replied.  
“How long was he in Romania?” you asked.  
“About one and a half months,” said Steve.  
You knew it was not fair to be mad at him. But, you could not help it. He could have easily made contact. And they could have helped in trying to figure out what happened to him.  
“We don’t know where he was for the 6 months before that, right?” asked Wanda.  
“No idea yet,” replied Steve.  
“So what is the plan now?” asked Nat.  
“Let him stay in the hospital wing for a few days. Helen has to run some tests. And let’s take it slow with him. You know, not overwhelm him.”  
“Does he even want to be here, Cap? Did you pressurise him to come back?” you asked, the thoughts of Bucky wanting to run away from the Avenger life still nagging you. It was only fair if he wanted out. The guy was fighting his whole life; if he wanted to leave this all behind, he deserved it. But, running away from this life meant running away from you and you tried to ignore the fact that that was what bothered you.  
“Why do you ask that, Y/N? We are his family. Of course he wanted to stay back and find out what happened and he doesn’t remember us. But, once he understood we could help, he was willing to come. He is just unsure of the dynamics between him and each of us. He spoke very formally, even to me. I would like to remind all of you about that. Just not head-butt into his life right now. He doesn’t know what we were to him. So just ease him into it. Let him become a part of us again, organically. And he might get his memory back in between, hopefully and we wouldn’t have to worry anymore,” said Steve.  
“Does he suspect it was Hydra?” asked Clint.  
“We did not discuss it. He didn’t seem very keen on discussing about it, actually,” Steve replied, his eyebrows furrowing.  
You got up to leave for your room in the quarters. You needed some time alone, to process all of this. You could hear them talking in the background and Nat calling you back when you headed for the stairs. You did not turn back and just kept walking. Their voices faded away as the noises in your head flooded your mind. He was alive. He had amnesia. He had no memory of who Steve was; there was no way in hell he was going to remember you. Was it Hydra? Will he never truly escape his past? Something heavy weighed down on your chest. A fear like the one you felt when he went missing. You wished you could see him. And talk to him. What if he remembered you? Your brain reeled to the last time you had seen him- the scene that had played over and over in your head for all the days he had gone missing.  
Bucky was leaving for the mission in Serbia based on the intel that an underground Hydra base was still operational there. Everyone else was busy with separate missions and Bucky had decided to go with another three trusted agents. You were alone in the kitchen having breakfast and thinking about Bucky leaving for God knows how long, when he arrived in the kitchen in full gear.  
“Hey, morning,” you greeted him, hiding your misgivings about the mission. You had talked about it to him and asked to wait until a few of them were available to go with him to Serbia. But, once he set his mind on something there was no going back, especially since this hit too close to home.  
“Morning, Y/N,” he said, sitting down opposite you. He looked nervous and you had a feeling it had nothing to do with the mission.  
“You ok?” you asked.  
“Yeah, I am fine. Just…when I come back from the mission, can we talk?”  
Your stomach had flipped at how flustered he looked. And Bucky Barnes was never flustered by anything. He wanted to talk which you were hoping was going to be The Talk; it most certainly was. Your first response was to gulp down a glass of orange juice and choke on it. He had jumped up in concern.  
“I am alright, I am alright. We can talk. Sure thing, Buck,” you had spluttered, trying to sound casual and waving him away. But, you knew there was not a morsel of dignity left.  
“Ok then. I am gonna leave,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.  
“Good luck with the mission,” you wished him.  
“Thank you,” he said, making his way around the table towards the exit. You had gone back to your breakfast after following him with your eyes until he disappeared into the elevator. You had dissected the scene in your mind, a warmth filling your heart as you concluded that it was about you two getting together, until it was etched in your memory. It was supposed to be replaced by something even better when he came back. But, this was what you had to hold on to in the months that followed. Bucky in an all-black gear, his hair tied in a bun, a few loose strands framing his handsome face, every line of his face, the smile creasing his eyes, the warmth filling them, the promise of something more, of hope, of a tomorrow when he would be back. And back he was, at last.  
You lay down on your bed, curling yourself into a ball. You wanted to sleep, forget all of this for a while. But, you knew that was not going to happen any time soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader goes to see Bucky for the first time since he returned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies.I am updating sooner than I thought. I hope you like it. Do let me know. Waiting for your comments.

“You can go see Bucky if you want. He will be leaving the hospital wing tomorrow,” said Steve. You had gone to Steve’s office to give him a couple of documents.  
It had been three days since Bucky was back. All of them had gone to see Bucky one by one, except for you. You were scared of what you were going to find. What were you going to talk about? But, you could not avoid him forever. And you so badly wanted to see him.  
“Yeah. I will go see him today,” you said, as you took leave. With your heart hammering you made your way to the elevator.  
“Hey Barnes, wanna play a game of foosball?” Those were your first real words to Bucky, five years back. It was a rainy day and all of you were stuck inside, watching day time TV. You had got bored and asked if you could play some foosball. But, all of them, Sam, Nat, Steve, Wanda and Clint had lazed around the whole day and were not willing to move. You were playing by yourself when Bucky walked in. It had been only a few days since he was back from Wakanda. He was still in his shell and talked mostly to Steve and Sam only. You had also kept your distance, not wanting to bother him. But, that day you were so bored you could use any company for a game and you had called out to him. He looked surprised that you had addressed him, but, came over anyway.  
“Hey,” he said, awkwardly.  
“Hi. You wanna play?” you asked.  
“Sure. But, you have to teach me first,” he said, eyeing the foosball table.  
“Alright,” you said, rubbing your hands together, happy to have an opponent.  
You taught him the basics of the game and he got really good at it very soon. He won that first game. And it was in fact the very first time you had lost to anyone in foosball.  
“Oh my God! Y/N lost,” shrieked Nat.  
Steve and Sam congratulated Bucky as you two joined them in the hall.  
“My dear friends, presenting to you Y/N Y/L/N, dethroned foosball queen,” said Steve, folding the magazine in his hand and making a pretend- mike, “and the new champion, James Buchanan Barnes.”  
“Beginner’s luck,” you sulked, as you sat down on the beanbag.  
“Not the most cheerful loser, are we?” Bucky teased.  
“No problem. I will get you next time. Let’s play for pizza then,” you said.  
“So what do I get today for winning?” he asked.  
“We hadn’t decided on anything before playing. So, nothing, I guess,” you said.  
“That sounds unfair,” he complained, looking at others for support.  
“Yeah, the loser must give the winner something,” Steve seconded his best friend, “You always make us get you stuff.”  
“Shut up, Steve! You don’t even win with Sam and Sam sucks!” you seethed.  
“Hey, hey, hey! What did I do to get my name dragged into this?” asked Sam.  
“This is the first time you lost. We must commemorate it by giving something to the winner,” said Clint.  
“Fine. I will get you a plaque or something,” you said.  
“Alright,” he said, thinking you were joking.  
Two days later, you got him exactly what you promised- a plaque engraved, “Presented to James Buchanan Barnes on the occasion of his victory in his first Foosball match against reigning Champion Y/N Y/L/N”. There were photos of the two of you at the bottom and the date of the match. It was also signed by Tony Stark.  
“Like it?” you teased.  
He was staring at the plaque with a look of disbelief.  
“Very much,” he said, earnestly, “I cannot believe you actually went ahead and did this.”  
“This was a joke, Barnes. Don’t take it too seriously,” you said, suddenly concerned about how emotional he sounded.  
“I know. I know. It’s just…there haven’t been many light hearted moments in my life in a long time. So..” his voice trailed. You felt a sudden pang in your heart and without thinking you rushed forwards to hug him.  
“There will be many more, Barnes. Many more,” you said, your arms wrapped around him.  
He hugged you back after a moment’s hesitation and you suspected you heard him blow his nose.  
“And call me Bucky,” he said, as you broke off the hug, both of you reluctant to look at each other. You had not expected the situation to escalate so quickly into a sentimental one.  
“Ok. Bucky,” you said.  
You were not used to comforting people crying around you. Mostly you told them to suck it up and ran away. Bucky was just Steve’s best friend with a horrific past until two days back. You sympathised with him, but, it was nothing personal. But, standing there you knew that in a day you had developed a soft corner for Bucky Barnes and that you’d fight anything that’d hurt him.  
“So, when is our next game? I could get used to this,” he asked admiring the plaque, a laughter creeping into his voice.  
“You are not gonna get used to it!” you said, crossing your arms across your chest.  
“We’ll see,” he said, proudly lifting the plaque above his head.  
~  
“Good morning, Dr. Cho. I am here to see Bucky.”  
You were in the hospital wing and found Dr Helen Cho in the office making notes.  
“Sure, Agent Y/L/N. You can go to his room,” she said, pointing to the left.  
“Come in,” your breath hitched at the raspy voice as you knocked on his door.  
You opened the door slowly and apprehensively, as if sudden movements would bother him.  
“Hi,” you said, looking down at Bucky Barnes in flesh and blood, sitting on his hospital bed, a book folded on his lap.  
“Hi. You are…Agent Y/N Y/L/N, right?” he asked, his eye brows knitted together in doubt.  
“Yes. That is me,” you said, moving closer to his bed.  
“I have done my research on all of you. Still having a little bit trouble connecting the faces to the names. Yesterday I called Steve, Sam.”  
You nodded, standing there not quite sure how to proceed. There was silence for a while as you both stared at each other- you hoping his memories would come back flooding back and him probably raking his brains to remember who you were to him.  
“Were we close?” he asked, breaking the awkward silence.  
Close? Like you-were-on- the-verge-of-asking-me-out close?  
“We…we were good friends, I’d say,” you said walking to sit down in the chair next to his bed.  
He nodded and looked away. There was a mixture of sadness and confusion in his eyes that had your heart breaking into a million pieces.  
“So, you had beaten me at foosball in our last game. And I owe you a pizza,” you said, trying to lighten the mood.  
“Foosball…I remember foosball,” his eyes twinkled, eyebrows furrowing again as if to dig up a memory hidden deep.  
“You do? That’s great!” you clapped your hands together in excitement.  
“Yeah. The name rings a bell. I don’t remember anything else though, like how to play or anything. Was I good?”  
“Yes. You were really good at it,” you said, relieved that he could remember something connected to you, howsoever little.  
“You can show me how to play once I get out of here,” he said.  
“Sure, we’ll do that.”  
Some more awkward silence followed as Bucky sat fiddling with the book in his lap. You could make out the sound of your breathing clearly.  
“So, the loser bought the winner pizza every time?” he asked, after a while.  
“Sometimes its pizza, sometimes an exchange of a boring mission…it changes from time to time,” you replied.  
He nodded.  
“So, I guess we will see you tomorrow, once you get discharged. Do you need something here?” you asked, getting up to leave.  
“No, I am good. I will see you tomorrow,” he replied, his lips pursing in a strained smile.  
You bid goodbye to him and left, feeling overwhelmed. That was the guy you could talk to about anything without a care in the world. And, this was not him; this was not the Bucky you had known and fell in love with. Of course, he was not; he had been through so much in the past few months and it was going to take time for him to be normal. You felt guilty again for making this about you. Maybe things will get less awkward as he joins the group from tomorrow. You could start from the beginning, like from the first time he came to your lives. You could start by being his friend again.  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tries to learn more about the mission where he went missing.And about himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started with this story thinking about how an amnesiac Bucky starts remembering the love of his life. It was supposed to be just a love story; but, once I started writing, it became entwined with Hydra and missions and stuff. And I suck at creating elaborate plots and things. I hope this has not turned out to be as bad as I think it did. Hope you all enjoy the new chapter. Do let me know in the comments!

_I know the road is long_

_But where you are is home_

_Wherever you stay,_

_I’ll find the way._

The crunch of ice, the wind piercing his skin through every pore, noises, blood, screaming, someone lying on the ground, a train, a black lily- these were the things Bucky remembered when he woke up in a hospital in Romania. He wakes up every night hearing a blood chilling scream in his head. He does not see the person who is screaming but, he had a very good guess on who it was. He had been trying his very best to remember what happened during the missing six months of his life; but, the more he tried to grab at the straws, the more they seemed to get out of his reach. It was frustrating as hell.

He was out of the hospital wing now. Dr. Cho had called Steve and him to her room to discuss what she had found on the day of his discharge.

“I don’t see any permanent brain damage. The possibility of him getting back his memory is very likely. And if the cause of this memory loss was what we suspect it was,” she paused, looking at the two of them meaningfully, “they have not been able to inflict any severe damage. And you,” she nodded at Steve, “as his friends can help him by taking him through past memories. It can assist on his road back to remembering.”

Steve nodded, his eyes on Bucky.

“It was Hydra, right?” Bucky asked as he walked back out of the hospital wing with Steve.

“We think so too, Buck,” Steve agreed.

“I want you to walk me through the mission I was on. Every single detail. I want to know more about Hydra,” Bucky said.

“Y/N was the one who planned it with you. We will discuss it with her. Do you want to do it right away? Or afterwards?” Steve asked.

“Right away, if she is free.”

Steve nodded and took out his phone to dial. He spoke to Y/N as Bucky watched, his head buzzing with questions.

“Can I trust her?” Bucky asked as Steve hung up the phone.

“What?! Of course, Bucky. You can trust her. You can trust all of us in the tower,” Steve said.

Bucky looked like he was having trouble to get the words out.

“The thing is…the thing is I can’t. I know that I probably should. But, I am not able to. I have a feeling…like I was betrayed. And I don’t know whom to trust. That’s why I did not try to contact you even when I found out who I was,” he said, his eyes not meeting Steve’s.

“I know this is hard, Buck. But, you got to trust us. We’ll find out what happened, ok?”

Bucky nodded. Steve knew he was not convinced. It was going to take some time.

“So Y/N will meet you in a minute in my office. I will join you soon after I finish running a small errand. Is that all right?”

“Yes,” Bucky said, as they entered Steve’s office.

“Do you mind waiting here?” Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head as he looked around. There was a framed photo of the team on the wall. He was in it with his arms around Y/N’s shoulder, beaming.

“Make yourself comfortable. I will be back soon,” said Steve as he left the room, closing the door.

Bucky walked closer to the photo. They were all in their full gear and looked like they had just finished a mission; they looked exhausted, but, happy. He looked happy too; but, it felt like it was a different person, not him.

“Hey!”

Bucky turned around to see Y/N come into the room. She was dressed in a white turtle neck sweater with blue jeans, her hair tied in a loose pony tail. Despite everything going on in his life, Bucky couldn’t help notice that Y/N looked really beautiful. He felt like he had always thought that she was beautiful, though he couldn’t be sure. When she had come to visit him in the hospital wing, he had known that this person was somehow really important to him.

“Hi,” he said, unable to take his eyes off her.

“So Steve told me you wanted to know about the mission?” she pulled out a chair to sit, oblivious to Bucky’s lingering eyes on her and shuffling through the file in her hand.

“Yes,” he nodded and moved towards the table and settled down on the chair next to her.

She looked up and smiled at him. She had really beautiful eyes.

“If you don’t mind can I ask you something?” she asked jerking him awake from his thoughts.

“Sure,” he nodded.

“Did you…umm…did you remember anything?” she looked like she suddenly regretted asking it, “I am sorry. I am not trying to pressurise-”

“It’s ok,” he cut her off, “No. I have had no luck,” he continued, deciding against talking about the dreams of the chilling wind and the blood piercing scream filling his ears in his sleep and every waking hour.

“All right. We’ll go through the mission then,” Y/N said as she placed the file on the table.

“So I had three agents with me? Where are there now?” Bucky asked as Y/N finished explaining.

The colour drained from Y/N’s face.

“They…umm…one week after you went missing we received three packages,” she paused, looking like she was going to throw up, “Each of them had one of their body parts- a hand, an ear and a foot.”

Bucky closed his eyes, his fists rolling into a ball. This was what Hydra did. He could barely remember what Hydra was other than the things he had read up and researched. He knew he used to be their weapon and that he had committed dozens of murders for them. But, none of it had filled him with hatred as much as hearing about what Y/N just said.

“We still had hope that they’d be alive and we had been there with search parties for a month. But, we found nothing. We just found an empty underground facility. We ran tests and forensics there, but, couldn’t find anything,” Y/N fiddled with the pen in her hands.

“It’s not your fault,” Bucky said, “They are powerful and they can do anything.”

“Bucky, do you think the mission might have been compromised?” she asked.

Bucky suspected the same. But, he did not tell her that.

“Why? Do you think so?” he asked.

“I don’t know. The agents that came with you, there were the best we had- Ross, Carlton and Johnson. Agent Ross was the one who processed the intel and was actively involved in all the planning. They were the very best. And then you. There is no way in hell they could take you down like that whoever it was. But, the only people who knew about this mission were Fury, Steve, me and the four of you. None of the others were here at the time,” she said.

“Why didn’t Steve or you come with me?” Bucky asked, trying not to sound suspicious or accusatory.

“I was in charge of the tower for emergencies, as no one was here. Steve had left that morning to join Sam and Tony for a mission in Morocco. They were the first to come down to Serbia when we lost contact with you,” she said.

“How many days did you wait after losing contact?”

Y/N looked like she was in pain.

“24 hours. That is the protocol. We wait for 24 hours. Besides, they had not wrapped up their mission in Morocco. Steve might have broken protocol if it was not for that.”

Bucky nodded.

“Buck,” Y/N leaned towards him, extending her hand as if to touch him; but, she withdrew it as if on second thought, “you got to trust us. We are a team,” she said earnestly.

“I don’t even know who I am, Y/N. I mean, I know I am Bucky Barnes. Ex- assassin and then an Avenger. But, I have no idea what all that meant to me,” he sighed, despair shadowing his face.

Y/N considered him for a moment before answering.

“You are not just an ex-assassin or Avenger, Buck. You are so much more,” she said, her eyes kind and warm, “You are a good friend, Bucky. An avid reader. You love cats and karaoke. You love taking your bike on long rides and hate wearing the helmet. You love murder mysteries and police procedural dramas. You hate eating with chopsticks and you hate it when someone plays with your hair. You are so much more, Bucky,” Y/N had such a tenderness in her eyes that Bucky suddenly felt a little bit better. It felt good to hear what he was like.

“You people play with my hair?” he asked, lightening up.

“Sometimes, yeah,” Y/N chuckled, “You’d let me braid it though, once or twice.”

“Thank you…for saying all that,” he said, smiling.

If he was not much mistaken, Bucky thought he saw tears glistening in Y/N’s eyes. That was when it hit him for the first time. He had only thought about how hard this was for him. This was hard on them too, his friends who loved him and who had kept searching for him for months. True that he was not yet trusting of anyone, but, these people were the only ones he’d got and he should probably trust them.

“You know what might help us now? Taking a walk. Let’s take a walk and go to some place you used to go and not think too hard. Helen said it’d help. Do you want to?” she asked as she closed the file.

“All right. I am dying to get out of here.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a new chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Do let me know in the comments.

_I’ll run like the eagle_

_I’ll follow the sun_

_I’ll fly like an eagle_

_To where I belong_

“This is where we used to come all the time.”

You and Bucky were at “Buns and Beans”, the café just around the corner from the tower. It was both of yours favourite spot for an evening coffee. The place was just off the main road thereby cutting it off from much of the traffic. It was small, but, cute and they had great songs playing all the time. The owner, Rory, knew you well too. You went to sit by your usual table by the window side.

“I’ll back in a sec,” you said getting up.

He nodded.

You went to the front desk where Rory was settling a bill from a customer. He was a short, plump man in his 50’s, always jovial and easy going.

“Hey. Y/N! I didn’t see you coming in,” he said.

“Hey Rory!” you said, turning back to look at Bucky. He was looking at you too.

“Is that Bucky? When did he get back?” he asked, waving at Bucky. Bucky hesitated a bit before waving back.

The team had decided that the news of Bucky going missing would not be released to the public. Whenever questions arose about his absence it was labelled as a “highly confidential” matter. There were still people who saw Bucky as Hydra’s murder weapon and you did not want further rumours running around.

“About that. He has been back since Monday. But, he’s going through a difficult time. You can come and say hi, but, give him some space, ok?” you said, suddenly doubting if venturing outside the tower with Bucky had been a good idea.

Rory and Bucky were good friends and he often said that Bucky reminded him of his son who had died in a car accident a few years ago. Rory looked worried as you finished talking.

“What happened to him? Is he going to be ok?” he asked.

“He is. Don’t worry. Can you not look at him like that?” you said, as Rory kept looking at Bucky with concern.

“Yeah. I am sorry. I will come with you,” he said, walking around the desk to join you.

“Hey, Buck. Here’s Rory. The owner of the café,” you said as you reached the table.

“He knows that, right?” Rory looked confused as he shook hands with Bucky.

“Of course, I do, Rory. She’s just teasing,” Bucky said.

You gave a forced laugh.

“Shall I get you the usual?” Rory asked.

“Yes, please,” you said, as you sat down facing Bucky.

Rory gave a mock salute as he left you two alone.

“I am sorry. I did not think this through. We are not supposed to tell people about the situation. I am sorry for putting you on a spot there,” you bit your lip, worried.

“It’s fine, Y/N. It was not that bad. Rory, right? Will write that one down,” he said, taking a pocket notebook out.

He seemed ok and that put you at ease.

“So this was one of our favourite haunts,” you said, looking around.

“I can see why. I like the lighting and the plants inside. It’s cosy and not crowded,” he said, following your gaze.

You smiled, happy that he liked it.

“All of us come down here? Or just the two of us?” he asked.

“Mostly just the two of us,” you said, trying to sound casual, like this place meant nothing more than a café. But, it was much more than that. This was where you’d come to when the tower would overwhelm Bucky. You’d know when it happened; he’d be moody and dark and more silent than usual. You’d ask him if he wanted to go for a walk, like you did today. And instead of walking you’d end up in this little café around the corner where you’d spend 2-3 hours talking. This was where you opened yourself up to each other, where all the walls were broken for the first time. But, he didn’t remember that, only you did. And you didn’t know how to remind him of how special this place was.

He nodded, looking at you intently. You looked away from him towards the street outside the window.

“Here’s your order,” Rory reappeared with a caramel latte for you, a hazelnut latte for Bucky and two sandwiches.

“Thank you, Rory,” you said.

He looked at Bucky like he wanted to talk. Bucky smiled and nodded at him saying “Thanks”. He nodded back and left soon after.

Bucky took a sip from his latte and as he placed the cup back, he shook his frowned like something was wrong.

“What is it?” you asked.

“I…I just remembered something,” he placed the heel of his hands on his forehead as if trying to bring back the memory, “A cup falling down and breaking. A green cup. A loud noise…and laughter…your laughter,” he finished looking at you.

Your heart stopped. Of all the memories that could come back this was that did. You remembered the day vividly. It was a day your relationship might have gone to the next level, but, it didn’t. You two were talking and you were sitting on the chair next to him, closer than you were sitting now.

“So you are saying you are willing to give away your normal arm for a metal arm?” he had asked.

“Yes,” you nodded affirmatively.

“You are willing to endure the pain of an actual limb being cut off from your body and then replace it with a metal arm?”

“I stand by what I said, Buck.”

“Why?” he asked incredulously.

“Because, it’s cool and sexy. Also freakishly strong.”

“You think it’s sexy?” he smirked.

“Why, of course! Girls dig it, Barnes. You just don’t know how to use it to your advantage,” you said, referring to his almost non-existent dating slash sex life.

“You don’t wanna go there, Y/N,” he said menacingly because he knew you were no better. And that was partly because you were head over heels in love with the guy sitting next to you.

“What I am just trying to convey is that it can be used for much more interesting activities than squeezing the life out of people,” you said, ignoring him.

“Am I to understand that you have a metal arm kink?” he teased, wiggling the fingers of his Vibranium arm.

“What??! No! I am talking about other girls. I have read some things on the net about how some girls seem to really really like it,” you denied, trying not to think of the times you had had fantasies about a metal finger or two.

“Uh-uh,” he was looking at you intently, stroking his chin with his metal fingers, “And what exactly did you search for you to end up on the said articles?”

“I was not searching for anything. I just came up on them accidentally,” you were struggling to stay unflustered, knowing things had taken a turn for the worse.

He just kept looking at you with an annoying smile. You felt heat rising up your neck. You wanted to look at anything but, him; but, your eyes did not seem to be co-operating and you sat gazing into his steel blues, watching his pupils dilating and very much aware of your thundering heartbeats. His eyes flickered towards your lips, his tongue coming out to lick his lower lip. You felt like you were not breathing. He was turning towards you and leaning in as if to kiss you when there was a loud noise from the street as if a heavy box had fallen down and he had suddenly turned around towards the window, accidently pushing his coffee cup to the floor in the process. You had jumped up and let out a nervous laughter, more to cover up what had just transpired between you two than anything. As Rory came in to clean the mess, you had moved to sit on the seat opposite him, leaving a good distance between you. You two were almost there, but, not quite. You had gone over the scene a million times in your head that you no longer knew if it was for real or a figment of your imagination. May be he was never going to kiss you. May be he was. You never found out.

“That’s…that’s good Bucky,” you said, smiling encouragingly, “We are already making progress. It did indeed happen. You had broken a cup once when we were here. And you replaced it the next day even though Rory insisted it was not necessary.”

“That’s it? I kind of felt like it might be an important memory or something,” he said, his face falling.

You didn’t know what to say to that. Were you supposed to say that he was going to kiss you when you didn’t even know for sure?

You shrugged and said, “It’s a memory, Bucky. That’s all.”

“Was it just the two of us here that day?” he asked wanting to know more.

“Yes. Just the two of us,” you confirmed.

He lifted his cup again and after taking a sip, placed it down. He stared at the cup as if it would bring more clarity to his memory. You felt a wrenching pain in your heart as you watched him.

“It’s gone,” he shrugged, giving up.

“It will come back. All of it will. Give it time,” you reassured him, extending your hand towards him automatically. You withdrew it suddenly like it had happened earlier from the tower. You were not sure if he would be comfortable with that yet. He looked at your retreating hand and then at you with something akin to disappointment on his face.

“You don’t know that,” he said, digging into his sandwich.

“You have started remembering, right? You are gonna remember more as days pass,” you said.

“And how many days will have to pass until I find out what happened to me?” he asked, throwing down his sandwich on the plate. His lips were trembling with anger.

“Buck, I know this is hard. But, the only thing you can do now is to hold on. We are with you in this and we are going to do everything we can to find out what happened,” you said calmly, thought you were suddenly worried by his outburst. He never raised his voice with you.

“I don’t even know who you people are,” he said, looking down at his plate.

You let out a sigh. This was harder than you thought.

“Do you…um…do you wanna see some pictures of us in my phone?” you asked not knowing what to do.

He didn’t answer you for a while. Then he nodded. You took out your phone and got up to sit next to him. The look in his eyes, a mixture of guilt and anguish, made you feel like a hundred knives were being plunged into your heart.

“It’s ok to be angry, Buck. You don’t have to feel bad,” you said.

“I am sorry, Y/N. It’s not your fault. You are trying, I know,” he took the phone from you.

“It’s ok, really,” you said.

You were both about to go through your phone when it rang. It was Steve.

“Are we in trouble?” he asked as you hung up the phone.

“May be. We should leave,” you said getting up.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. I edited it sooner than I thought and here it is. Hope you'll enjoy it. Please do leave your comments and feedbacks. It means a lot to me:)

_I can’t stand the distance_

_I can’t dream alone_

_I can’t wait to see you_

_Yes, I am on my way home_

“How could you take him out, Y/N?” asked Steve as you and Bucky entered the common room.

“I didn’t know it was a big deal,” you said, surprised by Steve’s reaction.

“Not a big deal? What did you tell your buddy Rory?” he seethed.

“Steve, it was cool. Nothing happened,” Bucky stepped in.

“This was what Helen asked us to do, right? Take him to places he used to go and stuff. Why are you yelling at me for that?” You were getting annoyed now.

“Can I talk to you in my office?” Steve asked.

“Sure,” you said defiantly.

Though you knew you had a moment of panic at the café, you were sure you would do it again and you or Bucky didn’t need Steve’s permission for that.

“If this is going to be about me, I want to hear too,” Bucky demanded.

You nodded in agreement.

“Fine,” Steve let out a sigh, “the opinion is already divided on whether…whether you are…reliable,” he paused, his eyes scanning Bucky.

“Because I used to be an assassin? Understandable,” he said coolly.

Steve looked like he was in pain. He looked away from Bucky and cleared his throat before continuing.

“So, if people get to know that you have amnesia now, it’s going to be a huge thing. There are so many people waiting to get their hands on something like this,” he said.

You knew of those people- people who wanted Bucky to not be a part of the team, who saw him as an irredeemable murder weapon, who would take any chance they get to put him behind the bars. They might be a minority, but, they were still there.

Bucky nodded, his eyes far away in thought. Steve waited for him to say something.

“It’s a big deal only if I am part of the team, right?” he muttered after a while.

There it was. Your heart jumped into your mouth. There was a resignation in his voice that made you want to scream. All these years he had stayed because of Steve and maybe because of you. And now he had no idea who you were and all these might be making less and less sense to him.

“What do you mean, Buck?”

“I mean…I do want to find out what happened to me. But, other than that I don’t think I want to be a part of all this. I don’t want to be an assassin or an Avenger. If I am not a part of the team, I’d just be a regular person with amnesia, right? So, if questions arise about my sanity or whatever you can tell them that I am no longer a part of the team,” his eyes were fixed on the floor.

“Nobody is gonna force you to do anything you don’t want to, Buck,” Steve said, looking aghast, “We’ll first find out what happened and then talk about this, all right?”

Bucky nodded, his lips pursed.

“So how did it go at the café?” Steve asked.

“He remembered something today,” you said proudly.

“Yeah? What was it?” Steve asked eagerly.

“Nothing of significance. Just a memory of breaking a cup once in the café,” he said.

“That’s good, Buck!” Steve said, moving to squeeze his shoulder. Bucky gave him a smile.

“See, it was a good thing we went out,” you said.

“Yeah. I know. I am sorry. I was just worried when I heard you went out. We hadn’t discussed that,” Steve apologised.

“So I am thinking we can do it from now on?” you asked.

Steve shrugged, worry still creasing his forehead.

“Steve, it’s ok. I can handle this,” Bucky said reading his friend’s tension.

“I know, Buck,” he said.

~

“It was stupid, Y/N. It was a stupid thing to do,” Steve yelled at you.

Bucky had taken leave and went to his room. He insisted on going alone to the quarters and Steve just gave him instructions on where his room was. You were now alone with Steve in the common room.

“What?! You just said it was ok!” you were surprised by his sudden change in demeanour.

“Because he was here. And I didn’t want to stress him out more than necessary.”

“Well, you should have said this then, Steve. He can handle it. Didn’t you hear him? He wanted to hear if it concerned him,” you raised your eye brows at him.

“I am scared for him Y/N. The people who tried to hurt him are still out there. They can still be behind him. Even after all these years, they are not done hunting for him,” he suddenly looked tired and sad. This was a side of Steve Rogers you rarely saw, vulnerable and scared. And whenever that came out, it had something to do with Bucky.

“I am scared too, Steve. But, he is not gonna hide in this tower forever because we are scared. You heard him. He doesn’t even want to be here anymore.”

“What did he mean by that, Y/N? Did you know about this? That he hated being here?”

“He did not hate it, Steve. But, he had sometimes said that he was tired of fighting, of wanting to retire and things like that.”

“Why didn’t I know about this? I cannot believe I forced him into this life when he didn’t want to,” Steve sat down on the chair his head hanging in despair.

“Hey! He knew what he was doing. He just got tired sometimes. He wouldn’t have left his best friend alone, you know,” you said sitting down on the chair beside him.

He sighed and closed his eyes, exhaustion lining the creases of his face.

“Steve, let’s first find out what happened, All right? We’ll discuss the rest later. And you do not get to decide where he goes and doesn’t go, ok?”

“I guess,” he said, the corner of his mouth twitching.

“So, that’s settled then.”

There was a brief silence when you picked up the remote and switched on the TV.

“Had you finished talking about the mission?” he asked.

“Yes. Mostly. He…he kind of asked these questions that made me feel like he thinks one of us was involved in compromising the mission,” you said.

“I know. He told me he had a feeling like he was betrayed. Even if it was not one of us, we have always doubted that, right?”

“Yeah. But, it was just the seven of us who knew about the mission. You, Fury, me, Bucky and the agents. Ross, Carlton and Johnson were the most trusted ones. Their background check is perfect and we have again and again checked that line, right? Each of their calls, mails, and bank statements – all of it have been checked and rechecked. And they are presumably dead. If one of them were involved, will they get themselves killed?”

“We don’t know, Y/N. We don’t even know if they are dead yet. Also, I wouldn’t put it past Hydra to kill off people after they exhausted their usefulness,” Steve said.

You leaned back on the chair and flipped the channels, your mind somewhere else.

“We need to find out, Steve. All these months we were hell bent on finding him that we didn’t put enough focus on what happened. Now whoever those people were they have had enough time to vanish without a trail,” you were suddenly filled with regret. All those months you had thought of nothing else but Bucky. Finding him was the only priority. Finding him alive. And you did. But, all Bucky wanted to do was to find out what happened to him and you had nothing for him. Just some dead ends.

“Hey, it’s not your fault. Not anyone of our fault. Don’t beat yourself up for that,” he leaned forward to squeeze your knee.

“I am gonna head upstairs too,” you said, placing the remote on the table.

He nodded. You walked to the elevator feeling exhausted, your thoughts hovering over Bucky. As you reached the quarters, you stopped for a moment in front of his room. You could hear him moving around, shuffling papers and opening shelves, probably hoping to find something to connect him to his past. For a moment you considered knocking at his door, but, then decided to leave him alone. You walked towards your room, your heart heavy. He deserved some peace in his life and that was the only thing that always seemed to evade him.

“I wish I could go live in a place like Wakanda,” he had told you once when you were both hanging out at the café. And that was the first time he had admitted he was tired of fighting.

“There’s only one place like Wakanda, Buck- Wakanda,” you said.

“You know what I mean,” he rolled his eyes at you, “It was so peaceful there. I only had to worry about my goats getting back to the farm before it got dark,” he looked away with a longing in his eyes.

“You loved it there, didn’t you?” you asked.

“I got to wear very breathy, comfy clothes and learned to tie my hair in a bun. What was there not to love?” he said, laughing, “Shuri would get the girls to make me a bouquet every day. The flowers there, Y/N…they just smelled divine, you know? There’d always be a heavenly smell in the air, especially when you got up in the mornings. And when the sun rose- I used to wake up before sunrise there- it was just spectacular. The twilight and the wind and the sweet smell of flowers and grass – the best mornings I have ever had. It was like…I was home.”

“Do you wanna go back?” you asked, his words pulling a string in your heart.

“I don’t know. I love it here too. I have you people here. And Steve. I am not gonna leave that punk alone here. But, sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna fight anymore, you know? Feels tiring. And pointless. And I wish I could retire back into my goat farm,” he laughed.

Though he was laughing you knew he was serious.

“You should talk to Steve about this, Buck,” you said.

“What? No! It’s not like I am really gonna leave or anything. This is my life now. I have accepted that. And I forbid you from telling any of this to Steve,” he said, pointing a finger at you.

“I am not going to tell him,” you said, getting hold of his pointed finger and lowering it, “But, you deserve to have a peaceful life after everything. That’s all.”

“Won’t you miss your best friend if I leave?” he asked, raising an eye brow.

You felt a jolt in your heart even though you knew he was just teasing you. You didn’t even want to think about him leaving. But, you were not going to admit it.

“I will be fine, Barnes. I will find someone else,” you said.

“You are gonna be shattered if I leave, my love. I know that. Which is why I will be staying,” he said, dramatically.

“Fuck you, Barnes,” you flipped him off, trying to keep your rising heartbeats in check on hearing the term of endearment.

“Fuck you too, darling,” he said, winking.

A smile formed on your face as you lay down on your bed without changing. It seemed like that conversation happened ages ago and with a different Bucky. He had become this inseparable part of your life by then that you had never given a thought to him being cut off from it. And that day was the first time when you thought of a life without him- what if he really retired and went away? It was painful and agonizing to even entertain that thought for more than a few minutes. You had buried it away for the time being and decided to only worry about it when the need came. And it did come. He disappeared. And the pain was nothing like you had imagined- it was worse, far worse than anything you could think of. The fear you felt was crippling, not knowing where he was or whether he was alive or dead. If you had ever felt agony in your life it was then. But, you never let it take over you. You were determined to find him and you did. The darkness that engulfed you during that period was slowly fading away. Bucky was here. Alive and well. That was all that mattered. But, you were not sure if you wouldn’t lose him again. You were not sure if you could go through all that again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you'll like this new chapter. It's a little bit shorter than usual. Do let me know if you liked it. Your feedback means soooooo much to me!!

_Now I know it's true, yeah_ _  
My every road leads to you  
And in the hour of darkness darlin'  
Your light gets me through_

It was in the middle of the night when you woke up to a scream. You immediately jumped up knowing even in that half-asleep state where it was from.

“Bucky!!!” you banged at his door as loudly as you could. There was silence inside punctuated by his ragged breathing.

“Buck, please open the door,” you pleaded.

You heard the sound of shuffling feet. The door opened. Bucky stood there, his t –shirt drenched in sweat, looking like he had had the worst nightmare.

“Can I come in?” you asked.

He moved to let you in.

“Didn’t you take the pills?” you asked.

“I thought I’d see if I could go without it. Apparently I cannot,” he gave a hollow chuckle, running his hand through his hair.

Silence followed as you contemplated what to say. You wanted to say that you would sit by his side until he went back to sleep, but, knew you couldn’t.

“I am sorry I woke you up,” he apologised.

“It’s…it’s no problem. I am such a light sleeper. Even a breeze wakes me up sometimes,” you said, not untruthfully.

“I will take the pill, I guess,” he sighed.

There was a despondence in his voice that made your heart ache. You decided to throw caution into the wind.

“I can stay, if you want. Until you fall asleep,” you offered, apprehensively.

His eyes widened when he heard you. You suddenly felt ridiculous. You were practically a stranger to him. But, then he smiled, putting you at ease.

“Thank you…for saying that,” he said earnestly, “But, I don’t wanna bother you. I think…I will just take the pill.”

“Ok. Good night then,” you said starting to leave, “You can come to my room any time you want company. It’s the one right next to you towards the left,” you added.

“Thank you, Y/N. That’s…thank you,” he nodded.

“Ok. Let’s go back to sleep then,” you reached for the door.

“Good night, Y/N,” he said, his eyes calmer than they were a while before.

You shut his door and walked back to your room, dragging your feet.

“I cannot sleep,” he had told you one day. It had been a few months since he returned from Wakanda.

“Nightmares?” you asked. You two were on the terrace, watching the city lighting up as the night fell.

“No. I cannot fall asleep. I haven’t slept properly since I have been back from Wakanda.”

“Did you sleep well in Wakanda?” you asked.

“Sometimes,” he nodded.

“I have an idea,” you said, “We could be sleep buddies.”

“What? Is that even a thing?” he laughed.

“It’s totally a thing. I have trouble falling asleep too sometimes. I guess if there is someone with us we’d feel safer.”

“Oh! You are serious?” he asked.

“I am! Totally!”

“So I just come to your room at night and crash there?” he asked.

“Pretty much. We can watch something if you’d come earlier,” you suggested.

“A sleep-over, huh?”

“If you want to call it that. If this is too weird, you don’t have to do it,” you said, annoyed at how he was making fun of your idea.

“No. We should do it. Tonight you can tell me why you are having trouble falling asleep,” he said.

“You’ll know that if you had read my file,” you said.

Bucky nodded, but, didn’t say anything. You did not find out whether he read your file or not, but, he never again asked you why you had trouble sleeping. He came over that night and several nights after that. You would talk or watch something on Netflix and would go to sleep on opposite sides of the bed, both of you sleeping much better than before. As time passed and as he got better, becoming a part of the team and acclimatising to the life in the tower, the sleep-overs slowly decreased in frequency and finally came to an end. Both of you did not talk about it though. He was free to walk in when he wanted and he knew that. You missed his presence at night sometimes, but, you knew you couldn’t keep doing it.

Here he was, back again, struggling to sleep. All you wanted was to be by his side as he went to sleep. You were scared that you had overstepped by offering to stay and hoped he did not think it was weird. You realised that you were struggling as much as he was to find your place in the other’s life.

~

You had just settled down in your office to start the day when you heard a knock.

“Come in!”

Bucky appeared at the door, looking tired but, smiling.

“Good morning, Y/N,” he said, looking around at your office.

“Morning, Buck. Take a seat,” you waited for him to get settled, “How did the rest of the night go?”

“The pill worked, I guess,” he shrugged, “Hey, I want to see the Agents’ files, the agents who came with me. Can you help me with that?”

“Sure, Buck. In a minute,” you said, starting to search their files in the computer. You found them and proceeded to take printouts.

“Was it just a bad dream? Or a memory?” you asked about last night.

“Both, I guess,” he answered, not caring to elaborate.

You did not prod him further. He would say when he was ready. There was silence for a few minutes as the machine continued printing, its faint whirring the only sound in the room.

“Steve got me a new phone. It’s fancy,” he said after a while picking out the phone from his pocket and showing you.

“Yeah. Stark makes them fancy,” you said, smiling.

“Gonna take me ages to figure it out,” he said, unlocking the phone.

“It won’t. You were good at stuff like that. And I bet you still are,” you said.

“You think?” he asked. There was that twinkle in his eyes that you had missed so badly.

You nodded with confidence. You picked up the prints and stapled them separately.

“Buck, we are trying to track down the source of the intel regarding that base in Serbia,” you said as you handed him the printouts.

He nodded, taking the printouts from you.

“If you remember anything, howsoever insignificant it seems, you have to tell us. It might help,” you said.

He considered you for a moment before answering.

“I will. I am just gonna go through this now. Do you mind if I sit here and read?”

“No problem. I just have some paper work to do,” you said.

~

“These guys have been with us for so long. And you trust them, right?” he asked, as you two left the office in the noon to have lunch.

“Yes. I would bet on my life that they were trustworthy. They were our best agents,” you said.

“May be it was not just the seven of us that knew about the mission. The place you discussed about the mission and stuff- could that place be bugged or something?”

“No way. Most of the planning was done in Steve’s office. In the tower. There’s no way one can bug it without Friday knowing,” you said.

“But, there are so many people that come to Steve’s office, right? Interns, press, government officials etc? Is it entirely impossible for one of them to figure out over riding Friday?”

“I wouldn’t consider that possibility at all, Buck,” you said, even as a small doubt crept into your mind.

You two were now in the common kitchen on the ground floor.

“There’s a dining hall here too?” he asked, his eyes scanning the interns scrambling around. He had only eaten in the common room in the quarters till then.

“Yeah. It’s closer to our offices,” you said, gesturing him to get going.

“Mr. Barnes! You are back!”

Both of you were stopped in your tracks by Emma, a tall, pretty brunette intern. She was bouncing on her toes with excitement. Bucky looked nonplussed, giving a strained smile.

“So how did the mission go? Was it dangerous?” she continued, her eyes going wider and wider.

“Leave him alone, Emma,” you stepped in between them and glared at her.

Her smile faded. Mumbling something under her breath she left reluctantly.

“Oh my God! You scared her,” he said, his eyes crinkling as he laughed, “That was mean, Y/N!”

It was the first time you had seen him laugh like that after he was back. You looked away, afraid he would notice the pull of emotions on your face.

“She has a crush on you, Buck. Better not to encourage it,” you said, picking up two plates and handing him one.

“Hmm… I see,” he said as he turned back to look where the intern was.

“I said not to encourage it,” you said following his eyes.

“I am not. Just happy to know that I was a crush-able guy,” he said, his eyes mischievous.

“You doubted that? Have you not seen yourself?” you said without thinking as you struggled to get the mashed potatoes on your plate.

As you realised what you said, you felt heat creeping up your neck. You could feel his eyes on you. You walked forward without looking at him and to your relief he did not say anything further. You two settled down on a table far from the madding crowd of interns.

You were eating in silence, when he asked, “So was there someone in my life besides you guys?”

You swallowed a huge chunk of your apple and was just lucky not to choke on it.

“You mean…like a girlfriend?”

He nodded, his ears going red. What do you say to that?

“No, I guess. Not that we know of,” you replied, your eyes focused on an ant on the table.

“I guessed as much. Just wanted to be sure,” he said.

You nodded, pursing your lips, feeling a huge weight crushing down on your chest.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you will enjoy this new chapter. Do let me know. Your comments mean the world to me<3<3<3

It was the first Sunday since Bucky was back. Steve had told him that it was a movie night. He was getting ready to go downstairs when he heard a knock.

“Hey! Ready to go?”

It was Y/N. He nodded with a smile and got out.

“I had been going through the pictures you sent me,” he said as they entered the elevator. Y/N had send him several photos from her phone of his time in the tower with the team.

“Yeah? Anything?” Y/N asked, her beautiful eyes widening. Bucky felt his stomach flip as she looked at him.

Tearing himself away from her eyes he said, “I had a dejavu kind of feeling when I saw some of the photos, but, couldn’t quite remember anything. Just bits and pieces.”

“We’ll get there, Buck,” Y/N said, nodding.

“Hope so,” he said, as the elevator dinged to a halt at the level of the common room.

He could only hope that he would remember. Living one day at a time- that was his mantra these days. Because it scared him like hell to think of the future. A future where he could not remember the major portion of his life, a life which started when he woke up in a hospital in Romania. Dr. Cho still seemed hopeful that he would get his memories back. And he was remembering little things; but, they were incoherent, bits and pieces he had to put back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

The other day when he was speaking to Steve, there was a moment when Steve laughed and he had a sudden flash of an old apartment where the two of them were standing by the window side, talking and laughing. He told Steve about it and he excitedly said it was Bucky’s home and the window side was one of their favourite places for people watching. He was so happy that he remembered his home, but, it kind of scared him too that he needed reassurance from another person that this memory was real. It was like he couldn’t trust himself. But, the good news was that he was remembering, howsoever little.

“Hey, Buck!” called Steve as the two of you walked in. Bucky nodded at him.

“Barnes! First movie night, huh?” said Tony, dragging an arm chair to sit.

“Yep,” he replied, smiling.

“What are we watching tonight?” asked Y/N.

“E.T,” said Nat.

“You love that movie!” said Y/N, excitedly reaching out to Bucky and squeezing his arm. Bucky knew that Y/N had been hesitant about making body contact and he did not miss the awkwardness with which she withdrew her hands off him. It was a simple touch, but, it warmed his heart. He tried to be non-chalant about it to let her know it was ok and just said, “I hope I still do.”

Steve was seated on a chair, a bottle of beer in his hand. Wanda, Clint and Nat were on the couch. Tony was in the arm chair, adjusting the remote and Sam lay sprawled on the bean bag. Y/N walked to sit on the remaining couch chair. It was just enough to fit the two of you. Bucky stood there hesitating. Y/N looked up and rolling her eyes, she waved him over.

“I promise I won’t bite,” she said as he was sitting down.

He chuckled as he made himself comfortable. There was no sitting on the couch without touching each other and Bucky was very much aware of his thigh pressed against Y/N’s. Bucky was almost sure he heard Y/N’s heart starting to beat out loudly, just before Tony said, “Friday, dim the lights and up the volume!”

The lights dimmed in the room and Bucky couldn’t help feeling that their seating position just became more intimate. He thought of what Y/N had kind of said the other day in the common kitchen about how he was attractive and the way she avoided looking at him after that. As a matter of fact he had thought about it several times, a smile breaking on his face each time. The movie had started playing, but, Bucky was completely unfocused by then. He only vaguely noticed that there were a few kids.

Y/N smelled of sandal like she always did. Her Y/H/C hair was flowing down her shoulders and that was when he remembered that it was the first time he had seen her let her hair down; it was always in a ponytail or a braid or a bun. His eyes kept darting back to Y/N from the screen. Did there used to be something between them? Wasn’t she kind of jealous when that over enthusiastic intern showed up? Or was he cooking this all up in his head? He pulled himself to a stop before he went down a spiral. He had a lot to figure out without stuff like this complicating it. He would for now put this out of his mind and just watch the movie. The alien (Bucky could not decide whether it was cute or ugly) was now hiding out in the boy’s house.

Clint extended a bowl of popcorn towards him in between. He took it and shared with Y/N. Everyone was watching the movie in rapt attention. Bucky was liking it too and he had a feeling he had seen it before. He also felt like he was not going to like how it ended.

“This is gonna make me cry, right?” he whispered to Y/N.

“You bawl your eyes out every time,” she said nodding, “You remember?”

“It seems familiar, yes,” he nodded.

She smiled and leaned in closer towards him so that their shoulders and arms were now touching. Bucky felt his breath hitch. Rolling his eyes at himself he threw a popcorn into his mouth and focused on the screen. As the movie neared the end Bucky felt hot tears rolling down his eyes. He saw Tony and Wanda reaching out for tissues. As the movie ended and the lights came on Bucky hurriedly wiped his eyes on his sleeves.

“Oh God! It’s a cry fest! Every single time!” yelled Nat looking around.

Everyone had red eyes and noses except for Nat. Bucky looked at Y/N and she was laughing at Nat’s words, her eyes still gleaming with tears.

“It’s an emotional movie, Nat. We are supposed to cry,” said Tony, getting up.

Nat rolled her eyes at him.

“Did you like it, Buck?” asked Sam.

He nodded and said, “Very much.”

“If you are all done crying, let’s call it a night,” said Nat, getting up.

Everyone slowly got up. Some lingered in the living room while Nat, Bucky and Y/N got in the elevator. Nat got down at her floor bidding good night.

“I am kinda glad you cried,” said Y/N as the two off you got off at your floor.

Bucky looked at her questioningly. She suddenly looked like she regretted saying it.

“God! It’s…it’s stupid. It’s just…” she looked like she didn’t want to continue. Bucky stood looking at her expectantly to finish whatever she was saying.

“It feels good to know you are still there…even if you don’t remember,” she continued, “God! I am so sorry. It sounds so-”

Bucky cut her off.

“It’s ok, Y/N. I know.”

Seeing that he was not offended or anything, Y/N seemed relieved.

“How is your sleep now?” she asked as they reached her room.

“I am still taking the pills. So,” he shrugged.

“I am here, if you need me,” she said, smiling.

He nodded. She gave him a smile as she opened her door.

“Good night, Buck.”

“Good night, Y/N.”

As he walked to his room, Bucky felt lighter than he had ever felt in a long time. He could even say he felt happy. Strange that crying over an alien could make him happy. He knew it was not just that. He had found the team in a vulnerable state today, at least most of the team, along with him. It was just a movie, but, he had not expected a gang of superheroes to be such softies. That made him feel connected to them more than anything he had read up about them. True that he had his reservations about everyone in the tower, including Y/N and Steve, but, they were slowly and steadily ebbing away. He knew he could trust them; he knew they were his people.

~

When Bucky came down for breakfast the next day, Steve and Y/N were the only ones in the dining hall. It was around 12 pm.

“Morning, Buck!” said Steve as Bucky approached the table.

“It’s almost noon,” he smiled and nodded at the two, taking a seat across them.

“Slept well?” Y/N asked.

“Yep,” he replied. He had slept better than he had in a long time.

Y/N was in still in her pyjamas, her hair put up in a messy bun and her voice husky from having overslept. Why did she still look so damn beautiful?

He took a deep breath and picked up a bread toast.

“Can I talk to you about something?” he asked as he spread jam on the toast.

“Sure, Buck,” said Steve.

He took a bite of his toast, his mind churning, trying to word the things that he wanted to say.

“I dream of a very cold place,” he started without preface, “I have been dreaming about it since I was in Romania. I see a dead body and blood everywhere. A…a black lily. Then a train. I hear myself screaming every night.”

Y/N and Steve were sitting with their full attention on Bucky, expecting him to say more.

“Well, that’s it,” he said, shrugging.

“A black lily? You said black lily?” asked Y/N.

“Yes. Do you know what it means?” asked Bucky.

“Agent Ross had a tattoo on her. On her forearm- a lily.”

Bucky nodded.

“Did you…did you see the lily on the dead body?” asked Steve.

“I…I am not sure. It comes in bits and pieces,” he said, straining to remember.

“Did you see the dead person’s face?” asked Y/N.

Bucky shook his head, “But, the people in the hospital had said I was found unconscious on a freight time. That explains the train, I guess,” he said.

“This is good, Buck,” said Steve encouragingly.

“Is it? I have been having the same dream for 8 months now,” he said, sounding dejected.

“Freight train?” Y/N mumbled, her eyes narrowed.

“I tried to follow that lead while in Romania. The train started its journey from Belgrade Centre on 6th October and reached Gara București Nord station, that is Bucharest North, on 7th. I was found on the train on 8th. But, it was a dead end.”

Y/N got up, her toast half-eaten.

“No. It’s not,” she said, as she walked to the hall.

Bucky looked at Steve, his eye brows raised. Steve got up, motioning him to get up too.

“You think we can find something?” asked Bucky, his eyes on Y/N. They were in the common room now. She was scrolling through her phone, her eye brows furrowed.

“I hope so,” she said, “Good morning, Friday!” she continued, calling out to the AI.

“Good morning, Y/N,” chirped Friday.

“Can you get me the camera footage from Belgrade Centre railway station at 8 pm local time on 6th October? Also try facial recognition for Bucky Barnes in the area and scan the freight trains that left at that time.”

“Give me a minute, Y/N,” said Friday.

The television screen in the room got switched on own its own as bits of data and co-ordinates flooded the screen. Bucky waited with baited breath.

“Displaying the results. Facial recognition for Agent Barnes successful,” Friday said within a few seconds.

A video started playing on the television. The three of you moved closer to the set. There was a freight train on the tracks. In a moment a figure appeared on the edge of the bushes lining the tracks. As it moved closer Bucky noted that there were two people, one person was carrying the other.

“Bucky Barnes is the one being carried,” Friday chimed in as she zoomed in on Bucky’s face, lying limp on the other person’s shoulder.

“Can you zoom in on the other person, Friday?” asked Steve.

“They seem masked, Captain Rogers,” said Friday as she zoomed in on the other person. The person had a balaclava mask covering their face, only their eyes visible.

“Keep it zoomed in on the two, Friday,” said Steve.

The three of you watched as the masked person wrenched open one of the doors of a compartment and got in with ease. A few seconds later, the person reappeared at the door and was going to jump down when Y/N yelled.

“Friday! Pause!” the video paused with the person crouched at the door, hands holding the sides of the door for support, “Zoom in on the person’s right arm.”

Bucky knew what Y/N saw even before he saw it. As the video zoomed in on the person’s arm, Y/N gasped- a tattoo of a lily.

“Agent Ross!” Steve shouted.

Y/N sat plopped down on the chair next to her, her eyes widened in disbelief.

“She is alive?” she muttered under her breath.

“How can a normal person like Ross possibly carry Bucky?” asked Steve, his eyes still on the screen.

“That’s what bothers you, Steve?” asked Y/N, “She was in on this. In on the whole thing. She is with Hydra!”

“We don’t know that, Y/N. From what we just saw she was probably saving me,” said Bucky.

“After helping them trap you! And killing Carlton and Johnson! Probably had a change of mind or something, I don’t know,” said Y/N, burying her head in her hands, her legs shaking violently.

Steve had started pacing the room, his hands rolled in fists.

“What do we do now?” asked Bucky who seemed to be the only person who had expected something of this kind and was reacting to the news in a reasonable manner.

“Oh God Steve! How did we not see this? Agent Ross!!” Y/N yelled, jumping up from her seat.

Bucky sensed this was a bigger deal for the two as they had trusted their agents so much and this betrayal was too much to take. Were his memories intact he might have reacted the same way. He chose this person to go with him; he must have trusted her immensely.

“Y/N, what is done is done. Let’s think about what to do next,” said Bucky trying to pacify her.

Y/N nodded and took a few calming breaths.

“I liked her, you know,” Y/N said staring at the screen which was still paused on Agent Ross getting ready to jump off the train.

“Can we come back to my question of how she can possibly carry Bucky?” asked Steve as he stopped his pacing and came to stand near the two of you.

“Do you think they experimented on her?” asked Bucky, knowing Steve did not want to voice his doubts.

“I have to think so. But, I don’t understand why she tried to save you,” said Steve.

“We have to find her, Steve. ASAP,” said Y/N.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry that I couldn't update last week. Was going through some things. So here's a new chapter and I will update as soon as possible. Hope you'll enjoy it. Do let me know in the comments if you liked it:)

_You run like the river, you shine like the sun (Yeah!)_ __  
You fly like an eagle  
Yeah, you are the one

“Were I close to these agents? Why did I choose them?” asked Bucky.

Steve was asking Friday to bring in the others. You had now started pacing the hall, your brain running through a hundred different tracks. You stopped as you heard Bucky’s question.

“Yes, Buck. You…you were close. They were the ones you trusted the most.”

Bucky took in the information, nodding.

“Do you remember how the whole thing started? Like how did I decide to go on this mission?” he asked.

“What do you mean, Buck?”

“I was just thinking how could they know I would be the one on this mission? It could have been any of us. Did they target me from the beginning itself? Or was it just a bonus that I was the one on the mission? It would help to know how it all started.”

“I guess that they took their chance. If Hydra was involved, it’s a no brainer that you’d want to go,” you said.

The elevator dinged open.

“Everything all right?” asked Sam, walking in with Nat, Clint and Wanda.

“See for yourself,” said Steve turning to the television, which was still frozen at Agent Ross in the train.

“Is that Kate?” asked Sam, moving closer.

“She’s alive?” asked Nat.

“Alive and well as on 6th October,” you said.

“Yeah, well enough to lift Bucky,” said Steve, putting the video on playback.

“This is…God! This is…” mumbled Wanda, her hands over her mouth.

“She has been experimented on, right?” asked Nat.

Steve nodded.

“What do we do now?” asked Clint.

“We have been to each and every corner of Serbia,” said Steve, “We haven’t found a hint of Ross or Hydra or any of their underground operations. When we first received the intel, there were some extremely suspicious activities being carried out in the area. Lots of trucks had been going to and from the place that we suspected was the base. Friday had detected live people in the trucks who were possibly being trafficked for experimenting. But, when we went with the search team, it was like a clean slate, except for the underground place we found which was devoid of any evidence. I don’t think we are going to find anything in Serbia. So we-”

Steve paused as the elevator dinged open again. Tony came in, his face livid.

“Friday has updated me,” he nodded to Steve as he took a seat on the couch.

“I was just saying how we are possibly not going to get anything from Serbia. We need to expand the search, I guess,” Steve said.

“Yeah, I agree. So, what’s the new plan then?” asked Tony.

~

The meeting had dispersed an hour ago. Tony and Steve were off to update Fury regarding the new development and to form a plan. You and Bucky were still in the common room with you replaying the video again and again.

“Y/N, this is kind of driving me crazy,” said Bucky as you paused to stare at Agent Ross for the hundredth time.

“What if it’s someone else? Anyone can have that tattoo, right?” you asked.

“Isn’t it unlikely that a person with just that tattoo was there at the same time?”

“Yeah, I know. I was just hoping we are wrong,” you sighed, “But, how is it possible she was there in Serbia? We had searched there so thoroughly that I am sure Friday knows at least the face and birthday of each and every Serbian. It’s impossible you two were in Serbia all that time.”

“And yet we were, it seems,” said Bucky.

You frowned at the television screen, shaking your head.

“Something is not right,” you mumbled.

“Do you wanna go out for lunch?” Bucky asked.

You knew he was asking it to take your mind off the whole thing when it should have been the other way around.

“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” you said, getting up.

“I have to go to my room first. Will be back in 5,” you added on an afterthought. Bucky could use a break and you knew just what he needed.

Bucky nodded.

You were back soon as you promised and you two got into the elevator.

“Where are we going?” Bucky asked as you got out of the elevator at the level of the garage.

“Let’s take a ride,” you said, pulling out a key from your pocket, “It’s yours. Your Harley has missed you for so long.”

Bucky’s face lit up, a smile forming at his lips. He took the keys from you and stared at it.

“I am gonna remember how to ride it, right?” he asked as he looked around for his bike.

“Dr Cho said that you are unlikely to forget such things. Muscle memory and stuff. Come on.”

You walked towards his bike and lifted its cover.

“Wow!” he said, “I think I remember her.”

You laughed. Bucky looked up questioningly.

“You used to refer to the bike as if it was your girlfriend. And you still do,” you said, picking up two helmets and handing him one.

“Do you mind if we go a little far away?” he asked strapping on the helmet with a frown.

“Ooohhh! Excited, are we?” you teased, “I am free today. We can go as far as you want.”

You couldn’t stop smiling watching him excitedly strapping the helmet and getting on the bike. You were glad you could take his mind off everything at least for a while.

“I am sure I missed this!” he said as he turned the key and the bike roared to life.

You hopped on behind him and said, “Let’s go!”

“Woohoooo!!!” he whooped as you left the compound behind and entered the street.

Bucky loved his bike and he often took it out for long rides. You had accompanied him on most of his trips. Sometimes he would drive so far off that you’d have to stay overnight in a remote place. It had sort of become a tradition that you had to do it once in a while though you had no idea how it all started. You’d hang out with strangers in bars and dance your heart out, you two would talk and talk until you fell asleep in a dingy motel room, you’d walk on moonlit beaches drinking crappy beer and laughing out loud, sit by a river side watching the stars in comfortable silence or have a night-time stroll through unknown streets taking in everything the night offered. You were sure it was during one of those trips that you two had meshed yourselves inextricably with the other, when it was just the two of you, away from the lights and sounds of the city, away from all your responsibilities, when you saw each other for what you were. You two had gotten attached, not necessarily in a romantic way at first, but, forging a strong bond all the same. And at one point it became something more, at least to you. This was one of those things that just the two of you did, like hanging out in “Buns & Beans”. You knew he did not remember any of it, but, all of it was inside there within him and he’d remember.

He was speeding up as the traffic started to diminish. You tightened your grip on his jacket and leaned back, feeling the cold wind on your face.

“Why didn’t we do this earlier?” he yelled over the wind.

“I was not sure about this. But, now I think we should have done this sooner,” you said, leaning towards his ear. You had been trying to keep a possible minimum distance from him on the bike. But, now that you had leaned in, you were almost hugging him, your hands on his waist and bodies in close contact. You could feel the leathery smell of his jacket mixed with the soft smell of his cologne and knew that you should probably back down. You were trying to slowly retreat when he said, “Hold on tight. I am gonna kick her up.”

That was all you needed to hear to wrap your arms around his stomach and snuggle up to him. You closed your eyes as you felt the engine revving up. This felt nice. You rushed past trees and houses and stores and you had lost all track of time. It was for the first time since Bucky came back that you felt like you were really with him. And you did not care how far away from home you were straying.

You were almost drifting off to sleep when Bucky stopped the bike. You opened your eyes to find yourself in a small town covered in snow. You two got off the bike and looked around.

“Where are we?” you asked, checking your watch. It was 6 pm.

“In Delhi, Catskills,” said Bucky, reading the board on a nearby store.

“So we are about three hours away from home,” you said, taking off the helmet.

“Do you wanna eat something? I am starving,” he said, pointing at a café nearby.

“Me too,” you said.

You entered the café and after placing your orders, found a booth to sit by the window side. Bucky was struggling to stop smiling.

“You are so happy, aren’t you?” you asked.

He pursed his lips and nodded vigorously.

“God! I feel like everything that happened today morning happened like ages ago,” he said.

You too felt the same, cut off from the rest of the world and the messiness that you two were in.

“Did you tell Steve?” he asked.

“Yeah. I messaged him. He said it’s ok,” you said.

“How often did we do this? Getting on the bike and setting off? Because I have a feeling this is not the first time,” he asked.

“It’s not. Once or twice a month. Usually on weekends. We have stayed overnight in some places too because it got late.”

“Do you want to? Stay overnight?” he asked, apprehensively.

You still had time to get back to the tower. But, you had so missed this, this part of Bucky that couldn’t stop smiling, that you wanted to stay and take it all in as much as possible.

“I wouldn’t mind. If you’re okay with it,” you said.

“I would love to stay here,” he said, jubilant.

After having food, you enquired the lady in the café about a place to stay. She recommended a B&B on the next street. You set off to find the place. It was already dark and Christmas lights had started twinkling.

“God, I forgot it was already December. It hasn’t even started snowing in New York” you groaned. Your head was still stuck somewhere in November. Christmas was your favourite time of the year and you were the one who nagged the team to put up the decorations by end of November. This time that thought had not even crossed your mind with everything that had happened.

“Do we put up decorations at the tower?” Bucky asked, as he stopped the bike in front of the B&B.

“Do we? In style, Barnes, in style!” you said dramatically.

He laughed and nodded towards the door of the B&B. You walked in and booked two rooms. You also bought extra winter wear from the gift shop at the reception since you had not packed. It was colder there than New York.

“What do you wanna do?” he asked.

“Let’s freshen up and then decide?” you suggested.

“Sure,” he said.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not very sure about this chapter. I just hope you people won't hate it. Do let me know, please:)

Bucky looked out of his window. Everything appeared pure and white and bathed in twinkling Christmas lights. He couldn’t remember being this happy in a long time. It felt so good to be away from the tower and with just Y/N for company. He had not been able to stop smiling since they started the trip. It was exhilarating- feeling the wind, the thrill of speed, riding on with no sense of direction, trying not to control anything for once and letting go. And Y/N’s warm hands wrapped around him. He had been craving for her touch and he had thrown all caution to the wind when he asked her to hold him tight as he increased the speed. She had latched on to him as if she was waiting for him to say that. And he was glad she did.

Snow had started falling lightly and as he watched snow settling on the bushes outside his window, he felt a calmness wash over him. What if this was his life, he couldn’t help thinking, in a remote town or a countryside, away from the noises of the city, waking up to trees and mountains and just finding his peace? The tower sometimes suffocated him, may be because he was trying so hard to be part of that life, to remember what that life was like. Here he was free of such expectations. He could start anew. He suddenly felt like he didn’t care what had happened to him when he went missing. He was tired of trying, tired of the noises in his head. What if he decided he didn’t want to know? What if he just started living as a new person? Would it be so bad?

He was woken up from his reverie by a knock on the door.

“Hey!” Y/N was at the door.

“Come on in,” Bucky said, moving aside to let her in, a wide grin splitting his face.

“So what do you want to do?” Y/N asked, zipping up her hoodie.

“You are really cold, aren’t you?” Bucky asked as he upped the room heater.

“Thanks,” she said, yawning.

“You wanna stay in and watch something?” Bucky asked, knowing she had had enough adventure for the day.

“Ok. There’s beer in the fridge,” she said.

Bucky bent down and took out two beers as Y/N switched on the TV. He walked to sit on the bed.

“Do you wanna watch Frozen?” asked Y/N, as she flipped through the channels.

“Sure. Anything,” Bucky said, opening the beer bottles.

Y/N turned around and looked slightly confused as to where to sit.

“You can sit on the bed,” said Bucky.

Y/N walked over and taking the beer from him, she jumped on to the bed.

“Since this is an animated movie, I am assuming it ends well and we don’t have to cry?” he asked.

“It ends well, but I have cried watching it,” said Y/N.

Bucky was starting to like the movie. The songs were good and the scenes were just colourful and enjoyable. The movie was half way through when he noticed that Y/N’s head was lolling. He switched off the television and had a minor debate in his head on whether or not to wake her up and let her go sleep in her room. He decided to let her sleep there. She was dead tired and he didn’t want to disturb her sleep; and it was totally not because he was not yet ready to say good bye to her, even if it was for just the night. He got up and adjusted her pillows, gently pulling her to lay her down. She almost woke up, but, snuggled inside the blankets after mumbling something in her sleep. Bucky lay down beside her, careful to keep a good distance between them. He did not have his pills with him, but, he knew that he was going to sleep well tonight.

~

“Good morning, Buck.”

Bucky was greeted by Y/N’s voice as he struggled to open his eyes. He sat up straight seeing that Y/N was right in front of him holding a cup of coffee.

“So I woke up early and got you coffee,” she extended the cup towards him, “I am sorry I crashed in here.”

“No problem. Thank you for the coffee,” he said, taking the coffee from her.

“Steve called. He’s kinda worried now. We should head back as soon as possible. There are things to do.”

“Does he think that I’d just go off or something? He seems to fret a lot over me,” asked Bucky. He was kind of getting annoyed at how worried Steve sometimes was about him.

Y/N laughed.

“He’s just very protective of you, Buck. I know it’s weird when you two are grown men. But, he has lost you so many times than it is humanly possible for someone to lose a person and I am pretty sure he thinks it’s all his fault, even though it’s not. So, cut him some slack, if you can. Once you start remembering, you’d know that you are as protective about him too. You two had practically sworn to be with each other till the end of the line or something.”

Though Y/N had answered in a light-hearted manner, her reply filled his heart with an unexpected warmth. He knew that all of them loved him, from the way they kept searching for him for months, how everyone always tried to put him at ease, how Wanda baked him a chocolate cake when he had just mentioned in passing that the picture of a chocolate cake in a magazine looked good, how Nat made a power point presentation of events with the help of Friday, complete with photos and videos, since he had joined the Avengers to help him remember ( he was yet to finish it), how Sam gave him a list of all his favourite TV shows and made a CD of all his favourite songs, how Clint offered to be his training partner, how Tony was making himself more available at the tower to check up on him and how Steve and Y/N were always there whenever he needed, Y/N knowing just how to get him out of his head and Steve being just Steve. He felt suddenly overwhelmed by the people in his life, about how Y/N made him feel safe and happy amidst all the darkness, about hearing how Steve cared for him and it was in that moment that it happened.

“Y/N!” he mumbled, his eyes blinking rapidly, the coffee cup trembling in his hands.

“Buck, are you ok?”

He heard Y/N’s voice as if from far away, His head was buzzing, memories flooding his brain, not wisps of memories but, fully formed and coherent.

“I…I can remember!” he said, tears filling his eyes.

“What?! Oh my God!!” she hugged him excitedly, “Oh my God! This is so great.”

“We should get back to the tower,” he said, regaining control.

As much as he enjoyed being in this little town, he now knew who he was and where he belonged with a clarity he was so desperately seeking. And he had to go back, at least for now.

~

“Friday, where’s Steve?”

Y/N asked as they got into the elevator in the tower. They had left Delhi as fast as possible and had reached the tower by 10 am.

“Captain Rogers is in his office,” chimed the AI.

“Ok. Thanks, Friday.”

They got down at the level of Steve’s office. Bucky had not spoken anything all the way back and he was thankful that Y/N did not ask anything. He was still processing everything that was going through his brain. The only thing he asked was to see Steve.

“Hey, you are back!” said Steve, smiling.

“Hey, Steve!” said Bucky, smiling back.

“How was the trip?” he asked.

“It was great. Really great,” he answered.

“Oh God! Will you just tell him?” Y/N groaned impatiently.

“What is it?” asked Steve.

“I…remembered. I got my memories back,” said Bucky.

“That’s….that’s great news!” Steve yelled, getting up excitedly, “You remember everything?”

“I guess,” Bucky said.

“Take your time, Buck. You don’t have to pressurise yourself to think about the mission now. We’ll take it slow,” said Steve.

“I have been taking it slow for a while now, Steve. I can tell you as much as I remember. The sooner, the better,” he shrugged.

“Ok. If that’s what you want.”

“Agent Carlton is dead. I saw him getting shot,” Bucky said, as he sank into a chair.

Y/N and Steve exchanged a look. They were almost sure of it too.

“We reached the base at night, around 1 am. It was eerily silent and very cold, in fact too cold for March. For some reason the place seemed familiar to me. Agent Carlton and I were on the west side while Kate and Agent Johnson were on the east side. They knew we were coming, I am sure. Agent Carlton was down in a second. I remember seeing blood colouring the snow. I was about to run to him when something hit me on the neck and I was down. When I woke up, I was inside some kind of facility with so many machines and tubes and stuff. I was put on that abominable chair where they possibly wiped off my memories. I screamed…like a lot. There were people around, most of them had their faces covered. I heard “Hail Hydras” while in a daze. I was strapped on that chair for what felt like ages. One day when I woke up I was on one of the beds. Someone was talking to me and freeing me from the straps that held me to the bed. That was when I saw the tattoo. It was Kate. I was a vegetable by then. I couldn’t walk or do anything. She carried me to the freight train, I guess. But…” Bucky paused, his breaths becoming rapid, “something doesn’t add up. There’s-,” he frowned, trying to figure out the missing piece.

“Do you wanna stop, Buck?” asked Steve.

Bucky shook his head.

“I don’t think we were in Serbia,” said Bucky. Steve and Y/N looked at him questioningly.

“Kate was the one who first processed the intel, right?” he continued, “She was the one who send the report to Fury. She was the one who showed us all those footages and it did not occur to us to crosscheck. She was the one who planned the mission with me and Y/N. She had taken charge of the Quinjet when we left, insisting us to rest. She could have taken us anywhere she wanted. Serbia….or Siberia,” Bucky said, whispering the last word as realisation hit him.

“Siberia? Are you sure?” asked Steve.

“Yes,” Bucky answered, nodding, “We were in Siberia. That was why it was so cold and the place felt so familiar. We were never in Serbia. And after I was held captive, something might have changed. She decided to rescue me for whatever reason. She had the Quinjet at her disposal. She must have flown me to Serbia from the facility and then put me on the train. But, why would she go through all that trouble?” he wondered.

“May be she wanted to save you, but, still keep the location of the base a secret, in case we found out about all of this. We wouldn’t have guessed it was Siberia if you had not got your memory back,” Y/N said.

“Why would she keep the base a secret? It’s not like she can show up there after she saved me,” said Bucky.

“She’s in danger, Steve,” said Y/N.

He nodded.

“We should act soon,” said Bucky.

“Let’s call a team meeting,” said Steve.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear husband just left for Singapore for his job and I am worried sick about all the travelling he has to do;(  
> I am not in the right mindset and I just hope you will enjoy this new chapter.

You wished you were back in Catskill. Everything had turned upside down when you reached the tower. You were happy that Bucky got his memory back. But, things had taken a turn since then. Everyone had been summoned to the conference room. Fury chaired the meeting from a remote location. He was mad, like really mad and you were glad that he could not be at the meeting in person. Tony had already heard an earful from him because it was the Stark Enterprises that conducted the background check on all agents. And now it had seemed like even Friday was probably compromised and the band of superheroes had been easily fooled by an agent. Steve had to step in and pacify Fury. Tony looked like he’d throw something at the screen. Tasking Steve with planning the mission, Fury took leave after an hour.

“He wants us to leave as soon as possible? But, we have no idea where the base is. We cannot just go to Siberia and look around?” said Tony.

It was not easy to locate a place as shown in the movies. You don’t just decide to go to find a place and reach exactly there on the first try. And this was a Hydra base you were after. They knew well how to hide it.

“Do you know the location, Buck?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know the exact location. We need time to prepare, to survey the area and find out where the base is,” said Bucky.

“How long will it take us?” asked Wanda.

“Don’t know. We have to get to work soon,” said Steve.

“Agent Ross is in some sort of deep shit. She needs help soon,” said Nat.

“Yes. But, this is the only thing we can do now. Let’s get to work,” said Steve getting up.

“Utilise Friday and all our satellites for facial recognition. Go through Agent Ross’s call records again. I suggest we search her house too. It could help us,” said Tony, also getting up.

The meeting was dispersed with each of you assigned a specific task. You, Wanda and Nat were in charge of scanning the region for the day. Bucky, Sam and Steve were to go to Agent Ross’ house. Clint and Tony were going to go through all of Agent Ross’ records again. You hadn’t had a chance to talk to Bucky after everything had unfolded like this. You were arranging some papers in a folder while everyone filed out of the room. You tried to catch his eye just as he walked out with Steve. You sighed and was about to go out and join Nat and Wanda when he came back in.

“Hey,” he said. It was just the two of you in the room.

“You ok?” you asked.

“I guess,” he shrugged.

You felt a stitch in your heart thinking of everything he had gone through, again. He did not deserve this. You walked towards him and hugged him tightly. You heard his breath hitch and then a beat later, he hugged you back. You stood like that for a few seconds. You knew that both of you needed it.

“I am gonna go now. Will see you later?” he asked, as you broke off.

You nodded.

“It’s gonna be ok, Buck,” you said.

“I know,” he said.

He looked like he was about to turn towards the door and then as if on second thought he turned back towards you, leaning in to kiss you on your cheek. You felt a shiver run down your spine. You smiled at him as he straightened up.

“Bye,” he said, as a blush coloured his cheeks.

“Bye,” you waved at him. He gave a playful wink as he left the room.

Taking a deep breath and trying not to think too much into the kiss, you walked to meet Nat and Wanda. He had his memories back. It was only now you thought of the fact that he might have remembered what you were to him, the dancing around each other for years, the lingering gazes, the lunches and dinners and bike rides, the would-have been kiss at “Buns & Beans”, your conversation before he went on the mission. Did he remember it all? Did it all play out in his head like it did in yours? Were you on the same boat in this? You didn’t know.

“Shall we begin, darling?” called Nat.

She and Wanda were already setting up the screens in the room.

“Yep!” you said, jumping into the chair next to Wanda.

~

“There’s a visitor at the tower, Agent Romanoff,” said Friday.

It had been two hours since you three were working and there seemed to be no progress.

“Visitor? Does the person have clearance, Friday?” asked Nat.

“You might want to see this person. It’s Agent Ross,” said Friday.

“What?!!”

All of you said at the same time, jumping up from your seats.

“I have alerted, Mr. Stark too,” added Friday.

“Ok. All right. Thank you, Friday.”

You looked at each other, all of your faces white with shock. You got out and rushed to the elevator. The elevator dinged open just as you were about to press the button. Tony and Clint walked out with Agent Ross. Her hands were tied in the back and she looked huger than you remembered, but, exhausted. There were large bluish spots all over her exposed skin, like she was bruised. She also had an ear missing.

“Look who decided to show up!” said Tony, starting to walk, dragging Ross with him.

“Friday, alert everyone else!” Nat yelled at the AI.

“Done, Agent Romanoff.”

You took her to the first room you found and Tony sat her down on a chair.

“Talk!” he commanded.

“They have my daughter, Mr Stark. She’s only six. You got to save her!” Tears started streaming down her face.

“Who? Hydra?” you asked, softly. Whatever she had done, she had at least saved Bucky.

She nodded.

“Talk from the beginning, Agent,” said Tony through gritted teeth. He was certainly seeing this as a personal failure.

The door sprang open and Sam, Steve and Bucky barged in.

“Kate?” called Bucky.

“Oh! James! You are safe. Thank God!” she said, still crying. Bucky rushed towards her.

“It’s gonna be all right, Kate,” Bucky said, walking towards her and squeezing her shoulder.

“Ohhhhkaayyyy! Am I the only one who thinks of this person as a traitor?” Tony seethed.

“Let’s hear her out,” said Steve, moving to untie her.

Tony looked like he was going to protest, but, did not say anything.

“My daughter, Lily, suffers from neuroblastoma. She was diagnosed last year and was not responding to treatment. As you know I am a single mother with practically no family. She’s the only one I have got,” her voice faltered, “ I had lost all hope and was prepared to let her go when I received a letter. It said if I would co-operate with them they could cure my Lily. You must understand that I was at my breaking point. I was willing to try anything. They wanted James. They wanted me to play along to deliver James to them in Siberia. I took Lily to their facility in Siberia and they had started their treatment and at first she got slightly better. So I trusted them and I faked the intel and everything related to it. We decided on a date and they made sure nobody other than James was going to be here. I volunteered for the mission and I did what I had to do for my daughter’s life. When we reached the base, they were ready. Carlton and Johnson were shot dead. They got James as easily. I had no idea why they wanted you for. I am so sorry, James,” her eyes filled up with tears again.

“Not for making him the President for sure,” Tony mumbled.

She looked pleadingly at Tony and steadied herself as she continued.

“But, soon I came to know. Day in and day out they tortured you, trying to wipe your memory. After each session they would keep telling you words like “longing” and “rusted”. I knew they were some of your trigger words in the past. But, it was not working. They were getting frustrated day by day. I suspected they were going to kill you if things were not going according to their plan. I was not allowed to see Lily either nor to leave the facility. I suspected she was getting worse. I was practically imprisoned there. I knew on some level that I had lost Lily. I had to rescue at least James and I needed a plan. I couldn’t do it by myself. I knew that they had taken James’ blood and separated some of the serum. They were planning on injecting it on some test subjects. I managed to steal a small vial and inject it into myself. I had no idea if it was ready or anything, but, I was desperate to escape and I wanted all the help I could get. The serum seemed to work. I got stronger than before and I managed to get James off the facility. There was resistance and I had to kill a few. I decided to take him to Serbia because Lily was still in the facility. I did not want to compromise her safety in case you found out what happened and attacked the facility in Siberia. I don’t think she’s alive, but, I am holding on to that last straw of hope. I put James on the first train I saw, hoping he would find his way home.”

“I returned to Siberia. My strength was increasing day by day. Invigorated by the serum, I stormed into the facility killing everything and everyone in sight. I still did not find Lily. They brought in more people to contain me and I couldn’t hold out for much longer. I ran for my life and somehow escaped. I remained in hiding in Siberia for a month. I was hoping to get my daughter back, whatever was remaining of her. Meanwhile, large bruises started appearing on my body and I started to bleed from my nose at the smallest of provocations. I was getting sick. The serum was not ready- I had poisoned myself. It had started killing me and I decided to do what I should have done a long time ago. I came back home. Here. You are the only people who can help us. Please…help my daughter!”

She pleaded, tears flowing freely.

“Why didn’t you tell us about your daughter, Kate?” Bucky asked.

“I don’t know, James. These people…they can make you do anything…they can make you feel like you are powerless and that they control everything, that they have all the solutions. There is no escaping them, try as you might. I walked right into their trap. There was nothing to be done, anyway,” she said.

“Dr. Cho could have tried,” you said. She merely shook her head, crying.

There was silence in the room as everyone took in what Agent Ross said.

“Can you give us the co-ordinates of the facility?” asked Steve, after a while.

“I can take you there,” she said.

“You will have to let Helen take a look at you. She might be able to help you. Tell us where it is and what to expect,” said Steve.

She nodded.

~

After what seemed like an eternity, you filed out of the room as Wanda guided Ross to the hospital wing. The team had formulated a plan after getting Ross’ input. Though she was in poor health, she had insisted that she wanted to join the team on the mission. Tony and Steve had agreed reluctantly.

As you left the room, you saw Steve and Bucky engrossed in a deep discussion. You wanted to talk to him badly but, decided to leave him alone for now. You were about to walk to the elevator when he caught your eye and he gestured you to wait. You nodded and waited.

“Hey,” he said, as he joined you after a while. Steve had left with Tony and Nat.

“Hey!” you said, smiling.

“Do you want some pizza?” he asked.

“Now? Ok!” you said, surprised. It was then you remembered that it was past noon and you had not eaten.

“As good a time as any,” he said as he took out his phone to dial the delivery.

Even though he was just ordering pizza, you could hear the wheels turning in his head, thinking of everything Ross had just said, reliving the trauma again and again. He was searching for a safe space, with you and a box of pizza, as stupid as it sounded in your head. His eyes never left yours as he spoke over the phone. You looked back into his steel blues, hoping to tell him that you were right there for him, that he was not alone. All you wanted in that moment was to take him away from that place and hide him from the world and protect him from everything.


	11. Chapter 11

“This is crazy, right?” Bucky asked as you two sat in the kitchen eating the pizza that had just been delivered.

You looked at him trying to fathom how he was feeling.

“The silver lining in all this, if there is one, is that they failed to turn you into the Winter Soldier again, Buck,” you said.

“I am not going to be the Winter Soldier anymore, Y/N. I know that,” he said with certainty.

You felt relieved hearing that. You were worried that he might be scared of never escaping his past.

“I know too,” you said, squeezing his palm over the table.

You decided to not talk about all that happened for the time being. You ate in silence for a while, a few other questions still plaguing you. You had to get it out.

“Buck, before you were off for the last mission, you had told me you wanted to talk to me about something when you were back. You remember what it was?” you asked, trying to sound casual.

“Did I?” he frowned, thinking.

“It was nothing important, I guess. I was just curious,” you tried to wave it off, already regretting you brought it up.

“No, no, no. I remember. It was about this sky diving thing, I guess. I knew you wouldn’t agree. I was hoping to persuade you when I returned.”

“Sky diving?? Okaaaay,” you said, narrowing your eyes.

“Did you think it was something else?” he asked quirking an eye brow.

“What?? No. You had always wanted to do it, I know. And you know that I am not a fan. You better ask Sam or Steve. They are always jumping off stuff,” you said, biting a large chunk of your pizza so that you wouldn’t have to talk for a while.

“What did you think I wanted to talk to you about?” he was not willing to let it go. You felt like he was low key teasing you now.

“Nobbing,” you said, your mouth full of pizza.

He shrugged and took a bite.

“Do you think Lily is gonna be alive?” you asked.

“I hope so. Though from what Kate said, it’s unlikely,” he said.

You nodded in agreement.

The elevator dinged open. Steve, Nat and Tony walked in.

“Having pizza without us?” asked Tony as they joined you in the kitchen. He snatched a piece from the box.

“What did Dr Cho say?” asked Bucky.

“She thinks she can extract the serum out. But, it’s gonna take some time and she needs Shuri’s help,” said Steve.

“So are we really going to take Ross too to Siberia?” you asked.

“She is desperate to find her daughter, I guess. As of now she’s stable. Helen has given her some medicines and sedatives for the time being. We’ll take her with us and if she gets worse we can leave her in the Quinjet,” said Tony.

“Have we decided on a time?” you asked.

~

“Guys, we are landing in five,” announced Tony from the cockpit.

All of you got up, ready in your full gear. You saw Bucky loading his gun and talking to Sam. You had been sleeping in the back with Nat and you had not seen much of Bucky during the journey. You hated the idea that he had to go to that godforsaken place again, but, there was nothing you could do about it. He caught your eyes and smiled.

The Quinjet was descending and coming to a halt. You got out one by one into the cold Siberian terrain.

“It’s about five minutes from here,” said Agent Ross, nervously glancing at her watch.

You all made your way through the snow covered trees and in less than five minutes a building came to view.

“Split as per plan and move,” said Tony, starting to ascend and carrying Nat with him.

Steve and Sam nodded at you and Bucky and made their way towards the building. Wanda and Clint too left after them. You, Bucky and Agent Ross walked through the woods to reach the other side of the building. It was eerily silent like Bucky had said.

“There is a door there,” whispered Agent Ross as you reached the building.

Bucky had it down in a second and you got in. Agent Ross looked around as if she was disoriented.

“Everything all right, Kate?” asked Bucky.

“Yes, yes,” she nodded, her voice slightly trembling.

“Guys,” Tony’s voice came through the comms, “Get on level two. The party is about to begin.”

“Party?” asked Agent Ross, who was now looking on the verge of a breakdown.

“Come on!” said Bucky ignoring her, as he started climbing the stairs to the left.

You were creeped out by how silent the place still was. There were no guards or people of any kind. When you reached the second level you knew why. The three of you crouched down behind a row of boxes as you as you reached the landing and you saw it. There was a large hall right in front of you, its huge doors wide open. It seemed like all the people in the facility were inside the hall. There were around 20- 30 people inside and 10 glass chambers about six feet in height lining either side of the room. Each glass chamber had a person standing outside it with a book in their hand and they were reading something out loud.

“Can you see it?” asked Bucky.

“What?” you asked.

“Inside the chambers- like we feared,” he said.

And you now saw it-the Winter Soldiers, getting ready for battle. The people outside the chambers were chanting their trigger words. It was only a matter of time before they became a formidable force.

“What time is it?” asked Ross, sweat trickling down her brows even in that cold building.

“Not the time you were expected here, is it?” asked Bucky, his eyes focussed on the room.

“What do you mean?” she asked, nervously.

“Team,” Steve’s voice crackled through the comms, “We go in on the count of three. One…”

You got up from your position, readying your weapons. Agent Ross was getting restless. You and Bucky exchanged a look and he nodded.

“Two.”

You pulled out a syringe from your pocket and plunged it on Agent Ross’ neck as her eyes widened in surprise. She fell down unconscious. Bucky squeezed your hand tightly before you ventured out of your hiding place. You looked at him and nodded.

“Three!”

You ran into a blizzard of gun fires and loud voices. Tony and Nat came through the window on the other side with Steve and Sam. Wanda blasted a wall and came in with Clint. Bucky shot at all the glass chambers first, as you covered him. You were on time- the soldiers had not been activated. More gun shots came your way as the people in the hall recognised who you were covering for. But, their plan had already been foiled. You took down the room in less than five minutes.

“Everyone ok?” asked Tony, as you breathed a sigh of relief.

“God! It’s a blood bath,” Nat said, wiping blood off her suit.

“Is this it? Are we missing something?” asked Steve, looking around.

You too were getting suspicious; this seemed too easy.

“The lab is underground,” said Bucky.

“What are we waiting for then? Let’s move, people,” said Tony.

“What about Agent Ross?” you asked.

“She’s sedated, right? Let her stay there for a while,” replied Tony.

As you reached the stairs, you felt like the building was vibrating. There were voices coming down from beneath.

“Oh-uh. Looks like we got more company,” said Sam. He flew outside through a window with Tony, looking for a different entrance. Wanda nodded at you and she too ascended and got out through the opposite window.

You, Steve, Clint, Nat and Bucky climbed downstairs.

“There are like a million of them,” said Nat as she sneaked a glance when you reached the ground floor.

Sam and Tony descended on the guards, firing down at them. The guards started firing upwards and you made use of the distraction as the five of you rushed out firing your guns. Wanda crashed open a window and threw away as many guards as she could. The more people you killed, the more they seemed to emerge from the underground.

“You people will have to hold fort for a while. Sam, Wanda and I are venturing underground,” Tony said.

“Go ahead, Tony,” yelled Steve, as he smashed the head of a guard with his shield.

You saw them flying out through the corner of your eye. This was taking longer than you thought. You could feel blood and sweat dripping down your face. Bucky was fighting with his knife, his face contorted in rage. Seeing him fight made you hate that place even more and the next guard who charged at you bore the brunt of your anger. You did not fire your gun at him. In that moment your urge to kill was primal. You needed only your hands. You ducked as he fired at you, sliding on the ground. You lifted yourself up in a blink and got hold of him from behind. You heard his neck crunching as you squeezed the life out of him. Your eyes met Bucky’s as you two pushed the lifeless bodies in each of your hands to the ground. He had a look of resignation in his eyes even as he turned to fight the next person charging at him. He was tired, you thought as you brought down two other guards. Not physically, but, mentally- drained and exhausted and it ached your heart that he was in this mess again. You shrieked, letting out your anger, and firing your guns in every which direction.

After what seemed like an eternity, you heard Tony’s voice.

“Guys, get out as soon as possible. We got the people underground and Agent Ross. Wanda is taking this place down.”

You got out one by one as the others covered for you. Steve was the last one to get out. You stood outside the facility firing at any guard getting outside.

“Take it down, Tony,” said Steve.

“Take cover,” he yelled.

As you all ducked to the ground, the building crumbled to pieces. You could hear the faint cries of the people inside. But, the cold wind howling outside drowned it soon enough. Dust rose high up in the air. It was over.

“Get back to the jet, guys,” said Tony.

You made your way back to the Quinjet. As you entered the Quinjet, your heart stopped for a second as you saw the rescued children cowering at the rear end of the jet. They were all less than 10 years and had nothing but fear in their eyes. Wanda was already crouching down and talking to them. You removed your weapons and walked to join her. You saw Agent Ross lying motionless in a seat with Nat tying her up in place.

“We are going to take you home,” Wanda was saying as you reached them.

“Is Lily here?” you whispered to Wanda.

“Lily,” the boy standing closest to you pointed to the back where an emaciated girl was lying on the floor, her eyes closed. She was fully bald and her bones projected out. You had never seen a sadder looking child.

“She’s alive!” you walked towards the child and lifted her up in your arms.

“Lily sick,” said the boy, with a thick accent.

“She’s going to be ok,” you said, trying to smile.

“Where’s your home?” you asked the boy, still cradling Lily in your arms.

“Mountains,” said the boy.

“Wherever it is, we’ll get you home,” you said, with a reassuring smile.

The boy’s face split into a wide smile and you knew this was why you loved your job.

“We’ll get you food and water,” said Wanda, getting up and gesturing the children to sit down. They clamoured around to sit in whatever space was available in the jet.

You turned around to walk to the front of the jet. Bucky was looking at you and then he saw the child in your hands.

“Is that..?” he asked.

You nodded. He walked towards Agent Ross and patted on her shoulder. She mumbled something and squirmed in her seat.

“Kate,” he called, loudly.

This time she woke up.

“What happened? Where am I?” she asked.

You walked into her line of sight and showed her you were carrying Lily.

“My baby,” she cried, struggling against the tape that held her in place.

“She’s alive and we are gonna see what we can do to treat her. But, I don’t think you are going to see her ever again, Agent Ross,” you said.

She stared at you, tears streaming down her face.

“Is she awake now?” Tony walked in to join you.

“Yep,” you said.

“Hello, traitor!” Tony jumped into the seat opposite her, “So we were right in not trusting you, huh? You planned to get us here when the army of Winter Soldiers were ready to take us down, right? You were still working for them. And this time you wanted to take down not just Barnes, but, all of us. Well, it didn’t work. We arrived here much earlier than you said we should and while Dr Cho sedated you in the hospital wing, we made some adjustments to whatever timey wimey things you had on. So you got the timing a little bit wrong. And Y/N is right. You are not going to see Lily again.”

“They had my daughter. I had no choice,” she yelled through her tears.

“Well, she shouldn’t have been here in the first place. You made some pretty poor choices, Ross. And you are gonna have to pay for your poor judgement.”

And with that Tony stood up and left. Agent Ross stared at you and Bucky.

“Was anything you told us true? Did you rescue me to get the rest of the team here?” asked Bucky.

“No,” she vehemently denied, “Everything I told you was true. But, I was captured again when I was hiding out in Siberia. They were going to kill me and Lily. This was the only way.”

Bucky looked at her for a while before shaking his head and walking to the front of the jet. You walked away with Lily and lay her down on a seat. You felt sorry for Agent Ross. She was just a mother who wanted her daughter to be all right. But, as Tony said, she had made some terrible choices and she had to pay for that.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finished editing two chapters soon. Hope you liked it. Do let me know:)

“This is where we always put the tree. It’s the perfect spot,” you argued.

The Christmas tree was always put up in a corner of the living room where it was best visible. But, Sam did not want it there now.

“It’s always distracting me with its shiny things when I watch the TV,” said Sam.

“Really, Sam?” you said, as you and Steve placed the tree in the usual spot. “Turn to the other side and watch.”

He rolled his eyes at you.

Christmas decorations were in full swing in the tower, though you had started almost 2 weeks later than usual. Tony had lit up the huge Christmas tree in the front yard last evening. Christmas lights were also wound up around the tower, making the tower itself look like a huge Xmas tree at night.

“Who put the mistletoes up?” you frowned looking up at the ceiling.

“I did,” said Sam, winking.

“Nobody is gonna kiss under that thing,” you said with mild disgust.

“Speak for yourself, Y/N,” said Sam.

“Sam has been hoping to get that girl in Communications under that thing,” said Nat, walking towards you from the kitchen with a bottle of water. She had just come back from a run.

“What’s going on?” asked Bucky as he walked in.

Your heart missed a beat as you heard his voice. You turned around to look at him and had to restrain yourself from letting out a sigh. He was wearing a white tee and a blue jeans, his hair tied in a half-bun. The t shirt clung to him like a second skin, accentuating each and every part of his sculpted body. You noticed how his eyes looked bluer than usual. He whispered a “hey” and gave you a small smile as he walked to stand near you, as if the hey and that smile were meant just for you. You felt your heart giving away.

Things had been getting worse lately with your feelings for him all over the place and making you want to just fuck everything and tell him how you felt. But, you had not had any alone time together with Bucky since the mission as you had both been busy. And he seemed to be in a kind of dark place after returning from Siberia and you had decided to give him some space. In the meantime, you had managed to make a hot mess of yourself. You had not slept properly in days, Bucky filling all your thoughts. You knew you were madly in love with him.

There was this huge weight on your chest at all times and not seeing him for days did not help. You had missed him terribly and could only hope he missed you too. You couldn’t help thinking if this was all a one-sided thing and you had simply imagined this all up. You had really hoped the “dancing around each other thing” would come to an end once everything settled down. But, it did not seem like it was going to happen anytime soon. The only good thing was that the crazy days were behind you for now at least for a while, and Bucky was here right next to you, talking and laughing, his simple presence filling your heart with warmth( and making you want to kiss the fuck out of him at the same time).

“Sam is still in high school. He put up mistletoes to kiss someone,” Steve informed Bucky.

“Oh God!” groaned Bucky, looking up at the ceiling.

“It’s an opportunity for all of you. May I remind you that all of you are single?” Sam said, plopping down on the couch.

“We are single, Sam. Not desperate and pathetic,” you said.

“Fine. I leave your tree alone. You leave my mistletoes alone,” he said, switching on the television.

“Wanna join in?” you asked Bucky.

“Sure,” he said, taking a bauble from the decoration box.

“Are we going to do Secret Santa?” asked Nat as she hung a star on the tree. Wanda and Clint had also joined you now.

“We should, right?” said Wanda, rummaging in the decoration box.

“Yeah. Let’s do it. But, we got to fix a price range on the gifts. Otherwise Tony is gonna make everyone else feel bad,” you said throwing one end of a garland to Bucky and starting to wind it around the tree.

“That’s right,” agreed Nat.

You continued to decorate the tree, talking and laughing and occasionally with Sam shouting at you to keep it down. It was the first peaceful night in a long time. It had been about ten days since your mission in Siberia. The children had been transferred to a secure facility and measures had been initiated to find their families, with two children already having been sent back home. Dr Cho had begun both of Agent Ross’ and Lily’s treatment with Shuri chipping in remotely from Wakanda.

“Let’s light her up!” you said, clapping your hands as you finished decorating the tree.

Clint plugged in the wire and switched it on. The tree lit up.

You heard the elevator ding open.

“You lit up the tree without me?!”

Tony’s voice yelled as you all stood admiring the tree.

“You lit up a huge ass tree in the yard yesterday,” said Nat.

“So?” he asked looking clearly offended.

“We can switch it off and on it again if you want?” suggested Wanda.

“Never mind,” he said waving his hands and looking around to see the decorations, “I see you two are under the mistletoe. Doesn’t this warrant a kiss?”

All of you looked up and you found that it was you and Bucky he was talking about. Sam jumped up from his seat and yelled, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

The others were also looking at you expectantly. You did not even want to look at Bucky as you felt heat creeping up your neck. You just stood shaking your head as if the whole idea was ridiculous, but, you found yourself hoping he’d kiss you. Were you desperate and pathetic too? No, just neck deep in shit being in love with Bucky was what you were. And when you heard Bucky’s voice speaking up, you turned towards him trying to be non-chalant.

“We are not twelve and we are not kissing,” he said as he stepped away from under the mistletoe.

Was that anger that flickered in his eyes? Or disgust? Whatever it was, it hurt you. You felt your heart break into a million pieces. Screw Sam and his stupid mistletoe!

“Yeah, right?” you said, giving out a fake laugh and trying to hide your disappointment.

“You two suck!” Sam mumbled as he sat down back on the couch frowning. At least someone was dismayed on your account, you thought miserably.

“Come on. Let’s have dinner,” said Nat.

All of you walked towards the dining table with you and Bucky determinedly avoiding each other’s eyes.

~

“What’s happening?” Sam asked.

It was Christmas Eve and you had all finished exchanging your gifts when Steve called out for everyone’s attention.

“Bucky has something to tell us,” he said nodding at Bucky.

You were sitting in an armchair opposite him. He nodded at Steve nervously and his eyes flickered towards you as he got up to speak. Was he going to propose? You almost laughed out for even entertaining that wild thought. You two had been practically avoiding each other after the mistletoe mishap. You were kind of mad at him, though you knew your anger had no much logic or reason. It was not that he refused to kiss you, you tried to reason with yourself, but, the fact that he did it so blatantly, refusing to even consider it and as if it would be the worst thing in the world to kiss you. You were also kind of embarrassed that you even hoped he would kiss you.

There were times in the past week when you’d come to your senses and realise you missed him badly and wanted to get back to the way things were, but, it was then you realised he was probably avoiding you too. He was nowhere to be seen in the tower in the daytime (went out with his bike was the usual explanation when you asked Steve where he was) and you saw him only at dinner with all the others and he’d immediately disappear to his room after eating. So the whole situation was messier than ever before and you didn’t know how much more of this you could take. And now he was standing there about to announce something and you wanted to puke thinking of how desperate you were to even imagine he was going to propose. You weren’t even dating!

“There’s something important I wanted to tell you, guys,” he said, looking around. Everyone was sitting in rapt attention; it was only rarely that Bucky spoke to the entire group.

“As you all know Agent Ross had injected herself with the serum. Dr Cho and Shuri has been trying to get it out of her and after talking to Dr Cho I have found that they are really hopeful about it,” he paused.

You now knew where this conversation was headed; but, you didn’t know if you were ready for it.

“So, I have decided to get their help to extract the serum out of me,” there was a collective gasp in the room, but, he continued without pausing, “I have decided that I want to live a normal life. Shuri and Dr Cho thinks it is very feasible and I will be able to carry on from the point where I left off. That is I will be just as I am now, minus the super soldier abilities.”

You sat there unblinking. There was more to come, you knew and you didn’t want to hear it.

“So you are not gonna be a part of the team then?” asked Tony.

You looked down at your interlaced fingers in your lap. You had been twisting them so hard that it had begun to ache. You felt his eyes on you, but, you did not look up.

“No. I…I will be moving out. These past few days I have been roaming around looking for a place to settle in and I have found a place in Catskill. It’s a farm and the owners are in need of help. I will be staying there for the time being.”

“You are going to stay in a farm?” asked Sam incredulously.

“I guess so,” Bucky answered.

There was silence as Bucky walked and sat down in his chair, letting the news to sink in.

“Well, if that’s what Bucky wants we are all going to support it, right?” asked Steve as the silence stretched on.

“Sure. If that’s what you want, Barnes. It’s great! Living on a farm! You are going to do great,” spluttered Tony.

“Yes, man! We could come visit you, right?” asked Sam.

“Sure,” Bucky shrugged, smiling.

“I am happy for you, Bucky. I think you made the right decision,” said Nat.

“It’s cool, man. I myself am thinking of retiring,” said Clint, giving him a thumbs up.

“You deserve it, Bucky,” said Wanda.

You were the only one left to speak. All eyes were on you now.

“Well, good for you!” you said, pursing your lips into a forced smile, “I…I am happy for you. If there’s nothing else, I am just gonna head upstairs.”

You jumped up from the chair and raced towards the stairs not wanting to wait for the elevator and not wanting to spend even one more second in that room. You heard some noises and clamouring from the room, but, you did not turn back. You leapt across the steps, your vision becoming increasingly blurred as tears started filling your eyes. When you reached your floor after climbing six floors in a blink, you ran as fast as you could to reach your room and bolted the door. You fell to the floor, tears flowing down your cheek. It was disconcerting that for a person who rarely cried, you shed your tears always for Bucky Barnes.

He was leaving. Could you lose someone you had never had, you wondered. He could at least have talked about this to you before he decided to drop the bomb like that. You had thought you two had something special, that he would discuss something like this with you first. Steve clearly knew. And Bucky seemed to think you needed to know about this only with the rest of the team. Clearly, you were nothing special to him. And now he was going to live on a farm, leaving you behind. You knew he deserved this- to retire and live peacefully. But, you had not expected it to be so easy for him. You had not expected that he could say goodbye to you so effortlessly.

You were dragging yourself up to the bed when you heard someone banging at the door.

“Y/N!” Bucky called, “Please open the door. I wanna talk to you.”

Oh! Now he wanted to talk? You switched off the lights and pulled the blankets over your head not caring to reply.

“I know you are not asleep. Y/N, please!”

He kept on banging for a full five minutes before he decided to give up and walk away.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter. Hope you'll all like it. I won't stretch out the angst, I promise. Do let me know:)

“Merry Christmas!” you yelled as you walked into the common room the next morning.

Sam and Nat were in the kitchen ready to have breakfast. You walked towards them.

“Merry Christmas, Y/N!”

They looked at you like you were going to explode. The way you ran away from the common room last night was not as subtle as you had hoped.

“What?” you rolled your eyes as you sat down, “I am ok, guys. I admit that it came as a shock, but, really... I am fine.”

“Bucky is leaving tomorrow morning,” said Sam.

You stared at him feeling the pain inside your chest deepening. What was it with Bucky? He couldn’t wait to get rid of all of this? All of you? It was Christmas, for god sake!!

“Sooner the better, right?” you said, picking up an apple and biting into it with unnecessary force, “But, he is yet to be…de-serumed…is that a word…right?” you let out a forced laugh.

“Yeah. He’ll probably return for that when the tech is ready,” said Sam.

“And we are sort of giving him a farewell party tonight,” added Nat, hesitantly.

“Uh-uh,” you nodded.

A farewell party. Bidding farewell to Bucky Barnes. All your resolution to be cheerful when you got up in the morning seemed to be ebbing away. It was horrible to realise that all your life together, your experiences together, just being together with each other, did not mean as much to him as it did to you.

“Morning, fellas! Merry Christmas!”

Steve’s voice boomed from the hall. You turned to see Steve walking in with Bucky. Your eyes met and you immediately looked away, busying yourself with pouring a cup of coffee.

“Merry Christmas!” said Nat as the two sat down.

You could feel both of their eyes on you. You looked up and mumbled “Merry Christmas” before returning to your plate.

“So, we have lunch at Tony’s today. And the party here tonight,” said Steve.

You felt like he said that more for your benefit than for the others. So you nodded.

“I am saying this again- there is no need for a party or anything, guys,” said Bucky, “It’s not like I am going to go away forever. I am just a few kilometres away.”

You focused hard on spreading peanut butter on your toast.

“But, you are leaving the team, Bucky,” said Nat.

“We are not having a discussion on that, Buck,” said Steve.

“All right,” you heard him say, “Can you pass the peanut butter, Y/N?”

You took the jar and pushed it in his direction, still refusing to look at him. You knew he did not like peanut butter. What was he trying to do? You felt like you couldn’t handle another moment in there.

You stood up taking the rest of your peanut butter sandwich in your hand.

“I am gonna take a walk,” you said as you walked out.

“Now? We are going to Tony’s,” said Nat, “And it’s freezing outside.”

“I will be around,” you said, already pressing the elevator button, “Just give me a ring when you are about to leave.”

~

You had slept like a log after returning from lunch at Tony’s. You woke up to Nat banging at your door. Still wrapped in your blanket you ran to open the door.

“What is it, Nat?!”

“It’s time for the party. And you are not even ready!” she yelled.

“I have to get ready? It’s just us, right?” you asked, now fully awake.

“I think it’s going to be bigger than that. It’s like a Christmas party plus Bucky’s farewell party,” said Nat.

“What?! And no one thought of mentioning it to me?” you yelled..

“You know how Tony throws a party, Y/N. It’s kinda going to be big, however small it is,” she said, moving past you to get inside the room, “Let’s find you something to wear.”

You turned around to face her, your blanket now on the floor. Nat had opened your closet and was rummaging through it.

“Who are all gonna be there?” you asked, shaking your head at the yellow dress Nat had pulled out.

“The staff in the tower, probably the interns, a few from the SHIELD,” Nat pulled out a blood red dress. You took it from her and considered it. It was one of your favourites- off shoulder, ankle length with a thigh high slit.

“These people don’t want to spend Christmas with their families?” you wondered.

“It’s Tony Stark’s party, darling,” she shrugged.

You went to the bathroom and changed into the dress after freshening up. You brushed your hair and tied it in a low ponytail.

“Hello, gorgeous!” said Nat as you walked out.

You rolled your eyes at her and pulled out your black pumps.

“Ready!” you said, straightening up after wearing the shoes.

Nat looked at you like she wanted to say something.

“Nat, I don’t wanna talk now,” you said.

“I was just gonna say you look beautiful,” she said, “And also that you should talk to him.”

“Let’s go, Nat,” you said, pulling her by her arm.

You walked with her towards the elevator. The party was in the hall in the office wing. You knew that you had to talk to Bucky. For the whole of today you had been avoiding him. He had sneaked upon you a couple of times when you were at Tony’s, but, you had managed to escape. But, you knew that you couldn’t avoid him forever and you couldn’t leave things like this before he left. On the other hand you were really mad at him and you didn’t know if you could have a normal conversation with him without bursting into tears (angry tears, not sad). For now you’d just go and enjoy the party.

“Hello, my darlings!” Tony greeted you as you and Nat walked into the hall.

“Hey, Tony. So this is…this is a real party,” you said, looking around.

“Whaaat?! There are barely 50 people in here,” said Tony.

Two banners were tied on the far end of the wall- “Merry Christmas” and “Farewell, Bucky Barnes!”

“Fury is here?” Nat asked, her eyes widening in surprise. She walked towards Fury who was having a drink alone, scanning the crowd.

“Get a drink, Y/N. Enjoy yourself!” said Tony, as he pointed you towards the open bar.

You nodded and walked towards the bar. Your eyes searched for Bucky and saw him in a corner surrounded by a gang of interns as you ordered a martini. You tore your eyes away from him and taking your drink you walked to join Steve and Sam.

“Looking good, Y/N,” said Sam, raising his eye brows in appreciation.

You smiled at him and sipped on your drink, your eyes wandering back to Bucky. He was dressed in a green t shirt with a brown velvet jacket and blue jeans, his hair pulled back together in a bun. You felt the pain in your chest starting to suffocate you when you heard Steve’s voice.

“You ok?” asked Steve.

“What? Yeah. I am fine,” you said, turning your back to Bucky and standing to face Steve and Sam, “So how long is this gonna last?” you asked, already wishing you were back in your room.

“You just got here!” said Sam.

“I heard there is a cake for Bucky. It’s yet to be here,” said Steve.

You nodded. Steve and Sam started talking about someone they had noticed in the crowd and you acted like you were listening when your mind was churning up a whirlwind and you badly wanted to puke.

“I will be back in a sec,” you said, gesturing towards your empty glass. They nodded and you left the two to rush towards the balcony. You badly needed some air. You opened the door to the balcony and got out.

You took in a lungful of cold air holding tightly on to the balcony railing. You struggled to keep your tears from flowing as you took deep calming breaths. It was happening. Bucky was leaving. Your feelings had always been unrequited. You were a fool to even think there was something between you. Even if there was he had chosen to run away from you, forever. How were you going to live without seeing him every day? How were you supposed to go on with your life like your heart hadn’t been torn away into a million pieces? The pain you felt was unbearable, suffocating you and squeezing your insides. You felt yourself becoming more and more agitated the more you tried to calm yourself down. The knuckles of your hand were now white from holding the railing too tightly. You heard the balcony door opening and felt your heart jump into your mouth as you saw Bucky walking towards you. He was the last person you wanted to see now.

“Hey,” he said, “Can I join you?”

You looked ahead without answering. He walked to stand by your side anyway.

“I am gonna leave early morning tomorrow,” he said, “And I don’t want to leave things like this between us.”

You still did not say anything, your eyes focussed on the lights of the tree in the yard.

“This was not an easy decision, but, I had to do this,” he continued, “For me. I am done fighting, Y/N. But, it’s gonna be hard to say goodbye to all of you and to venture out into a new world without you…without all this. I thought I could continue this life, you know. I have been trying to convince myself of that. But, after that mission in Siberia, I just wanted to get inside a shell and forget about it all. It’s…it’s been hard, so hard, Y/N. I know all this happened so fast and that you are probably mad at me for dropping the news like that. I know I should have talked about it to you beforehand. But, I didn’t know if I’d follow through if I talked to you Y/N because…because leaving you is gonna be the hardest,” he paused, moving an inch closer to you, “I am gonna miss you so badly, Y/N.”

You felt yourself struggling for breath as he stopped talking. You felt your anger ebbing away and all you wanted was for him to be happy. But, you had to let him know how you felt. You couldn’t let it suffocate you to death. Even if he didn’t feel the same way, you had to tell him. You turned to face him, your eyes filled with tears.

“Buck,” you said, your voice faltering, “I am… I am in love with you. I have been in love with you for a while now. I just wanted to-”

The balcony door opened and Sam peeped out.

“The cake’s here. Everyone is looking for you, Buck. Come in!” he said, waving the two of you inside before disappearing.

You two stood staring at each other. Bucky’s mouth was half open like he wanted to say something. You were suddenly regretting the whole thing. He was going through something huge and you had decided to unload your feelings on him now.

“Let’s move, people!” Sam yelled, reappearing at the door.

You tore your eyes away from Bucky and walked in. As Bucky joined in a moment later, he was greeted by a loud applause.

“Bucky Barnes, everyone!” yelled Tony.

He gave a reluctant smile and walked towards the table holding a huge chocolate cake with “Good luck, Bucky!” written on it. He cut the cake to even louder applause and chants of “Bucky, Bucky” filled the hall. You slowly sneaked out of the hall as Tony took the stage to give a toast.

When you lay sleeplessly into the depths of the night you heard Bucky knocking softly at the door. You didn’t get up to answer.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a new chapter. It's happening, guys!! Hope you will enjoy it:) Do let me know.

_I’ve seen every sunset_ _  
And with all that I've learned, oh  
It's to you, I will always  
Always return_

It was around noon when you woke up the next day. You had fallen asleep at around 5 in the morning. Bucky would have left by now, you thought miserably, ignoring the tightening feeling around your chest. After freshening up, you went down to the hall which was empty. You were searching the fridge for something to eat when you were startled by a voice.

“Hey!’

You jumped almost dropping the juice bottle in your hand and turned to see Bucky walking towards you.

“You haven’t left?” you asked, surprised.

“Really? You expected me to leave without finishing what we were talking about?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

You took a sip of the juice to avoid talking.

“So can we talk?” he asked, sitting down at the island counter and gesturing you to sit.

You walked and sat down opposite him, still not looking at him and focusing on the juice bottle.

“Do you wanna start from where you left off? You were saying something when Sam interrupted,” he said, hesitantly.

“No,” you said bluntly, feeling very vulnerable and wishing to run away from this conversation.

“Ok,” he nodded, understandingly, “I will talk then. I…I just wanted you to talk first because the more I thought about what you said, the more I felt like you probably meant to say something else and I had interpreted it differently and I didn’t want to say something stupid and make everything awkward. So I just had to-”

Oh God! He was going down a spiral. You had to put him out of his misery.

“Bucky,” you interrupted him, “I meant what I said. I am in love with you.”

“Oh. Ok. That’s what I thought you said,” he said, biting his lower lip. His confidence seemed to be ebbing out. You took in a deep breath and decided to say what you had to.

“Buck, I didn’t say that to stop you from going. I know this is what you have to do and you should do it. I am happy for you, I really am. I just wanted you to know how I felt. And I know you probably don’t feel the same about me and it’s ok. I will get through this,” you said with a strained smile.

“What?! You think I don’t feel the same? Oh God, Y/N! I have been in love with you forever!” he said, tears shining in his eyes.

Your heart stopped. Did you hear it correctly? He was getting up from his seat now. You felt like you were watching it in slow motion as he walked towards you to bent down and kiss you on your lips. You gasped as his soft lips pressed against yours. He pulled you up from your seat and held you by your waist as you stood kissing, tears mingling in with your soft moans. After what seemed like an eternity you broke away for air. His face was lit up in a bright smile and all you wanted was to start kissing him again and make him smile like that forever.

“Oh God, Y/N! We have been two idiots,” he said laughing. You laughed with him and went back to kiss him again.

“We should talk, really,” he said, breaking off the kiss after a while.

You nodded and you went back to being seated like before, but, with your hands in his this time.

“So how do we make this work? I am not going to be here anymore,” he asked.

“We can start by giving long-distance relationship a try. It’s not even that far, in fact,” you said.

“You think we can do that?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Is the internet connectivity any good there?” you asked.

“I think so. It’s not too remote an area,” he said.

“Ok. If it’s not, we can ask Tony for some help. And I can come whenever I am free here and I could visit you on weekends. You can also come visit me here,” you said.

“So you think we can make this work?” he squeezed your hands excitedly.

“I guess so,” you nodded equally happy.

He nodded, smiling.

“Were you really going to leave without telling me how you felt?” you asked.

“I was an idiot, Y/N. I…I just didn’t think we could work this out. I wanted to tell you how I felt so badly. And this was what I wanted to talk to you about, not… skydiving,” he paused looking sheepish.

“You are the worst, Buck!” you said.

He mouthed a “sorry” before continuing.

“I was almost on the verge of telling you how I felt during the time we went on the mission to Siberia. And everything changed after that. I realised I didn’t want to do this anymore at all. I wanted to start anew. I had to start a normal life. And that’s why I want to extract the serum out; it just complicates things. And I thought I shouldn’t complicate things for you when I am the one who is making all the changes. I couldn’t ask that of you. But, now that we have talked I think I was really an idiot to think about leaving without even giving it a try.”

You chuckled.

“And you know when I said I was not going to be the Winter Soldier anymore,” he continued, looking into your eyes, “I was thinking of you every second I was there, each moment when they tortured me. You are the one who kept me safe. I wanted to come back for you, tell you that I loved you. I fought them because I wanted to come back to you.”

When he finished you felt like your heart had melted. Your grip on his hands tightened.

“Oh, Buck!” you murmured, tears flowing down your cheeks. You pulled his hand towards you and kissed his fingers, whispering, “I love you so so much.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” he said back with a smile.

There was silence for a few seconds as you two sat staring into each other’s eyes.

“So are you leaving today?” you asked.

“Do you want me to stay?”

“You should go, Buck. You had decided on leaving today. I don’t think you should wait to start this new chapter in your life,” you said, now feeling a whole lot better about him leaving.

“I guess so too,” he agreed.

“Are you done packing?”

“Yeah. My luggage is here,” he nodded towards his bag in the hall.

You chewed your lower lip, considering whether or not to ask him a question.

“What is it, Y/N?” he asked smiling.

“You know…I am ….I am kinda free today. Actually, I am free till New Year’s. I could come with you if you want. Is that ok?” you asked, hesitantly.

“Of course!” he replied, jumping up, “I’d love it if you could come with me, Y/N.”

He bend down to kiss you on your cheek.

“I will go pack a few things and come down then?” you asked, trying to hide your smile with difficulty.

He nodded vigorously.

“I’ll wait here. We’ll leave as soon as you come,” he said.

You got up and after giving him a peck on the cheek you rushed towards the elevator.

~

You send a brief text to Nat about what had happened and that you’d call her as soon you could before you two set off to the farm on Bucky’s bike. You reached there in around two and a half hours. You noticed the signboard at the turn reading “Green Pastures Farm”. You could see a house a good distance away from the gate and two smaller houses right next to it.

“This place is beautiful, Buck!” you said as Bucky parked the bike in front of the house which you assumed should be the owners’. It was still covered in snow and looked like a Xmas postcard. The air was refreshing and the atmosphere was so calm. This was the best place Bucky could have chosen.

“I am glad you like it,” he said, smiling.

“James! You are here!”

You turned to see a tall woman with silver hair coming to greet you from the house. She was cuddling a ginger cat in her arms who purred as it saw you.

“Jeff, he’s here!” she shouted turning her head back to the house. She let the cat down as she reached near you.

A man of around sixty appeared at the door. His face split in a wide smile as he saw Bucky and jogged towards you two. He greeted Bucky heartily by shaking his hand vigorously and thumping him on the back.

“This is Betty and Jeff, Y/N. Betty and Jeff - Y/N,” Bucky said introducing you to each other. You greeted each other.

“Here’s the key to the guest house, James. You can walk around and show the place to Y/N and then join us for dinner at 7,” said Betty.

“Thanks, Betty,” he said, taking the key.

You bid goodbye to the couple and walked to the guest house closer to Betty and Jeff’s house.

“They seem really nice,” you said.

He smiled and nodded as he opened the door. You walked into a hall with wooden floors. There was a table at the centre with four chairs and a wooden cabinet on one side. There were two bedrooms to the right of the hall, both made in the same pattern and looking comfy. There was a sofa chair in each of them by the window. You entered one of the bedrooms, walking around and feeling the house. This place was really nice. Bucky was probably going to be here for a long time and you couldn’t imagine a better place to be with him. Bucky was looking at you expectantly as if he were showing you his new home.

“I love it, Buck!” you said, jumping to hug him.

“Yeah?” he asked, leaning back to look you into the eyes.

Without answering you smiled and kissed him gently on his lips.

“I love you, Buck,” you whispered.

“I love you too, Y/N,” he said before his lips crashed against yours.

The kiss quickly became heated and he pushed you to the closest wall as your mouths explored each other. All the feelings you two had kept buried for years surfaced, surprising you with how much you craved for each other. You could spend the rest of your life kissing Bucky Barnes.

Bucky slightly parted his legs, pushing himself closer to you so that his firm erection was now pressing against yours. He started moving his hips against you as his lips moved to your neck and his hands went down inside your t-shirt. You moaned, arching back in pleasure.

He paused for a second and took a step back, panting. You tried to grab him by his t-shirt and looked at him with a frown.

“You sure you wanna do this now?” he asked.

“Yes!” you groaned, “Come back here!”

He smiled and without warning lifted you up with your legs straddling him and walked to sit down on the bed. You sat in his lap and kissed him, moving your hips slowly against his erection, making him groan.

“You are driving me crazy, Y/N,” he said, his hands gripping tightly at your waist.

You jumped out of his lap to the floor. With a smirk on your face, you took off your t-shirt and then your jeans, standing there in only your bra and underwear. His eyes travelled all over your body as his grip on the bed tightened. You bend down and pulled at his jeans, your eyes never leaving his. His pupils were blown out in lust and he was looking at you hungrily. He unbuttoned his jeans and let you take it off.

“You are gorgeous, Y/N,” he managed to say, before pulling you back to his lap. You pulled his t-shirt away as he eyed your breasts hungrily. He placed his hands on them and gently squeezed them, letting out a light whimper.

“Like them?” you teased.

Without answering he smiled and pulled the bra cup down a little so that your nipples jumped out. He moaned at the sight and bent down to suck the left nipple as he squeezed the other one. He went back and forth as you arched back in pleasure, your hips rubbing against the erection straining his boxers. He finally decided to unhook and take off your bra and plunged his face between them, kissing and sucking and biting.

Your moans filled the room and you wanted him desperately. You pushed him back as you stood up and took your now destroyed panty away. He eyed the wetness dripping down your thighs, biting his lower lip. You nodded towards his boxers and he took them away, letting his erection spring free. You gulped at the sight. You felt you could come just watching him sitting there in all his naked glory.

He extended his hand towards you. You walked towards him and gently sat down taking his tip in.

“Fuck!” you heard him say.

You looked him in the eyes as you teased him, taking in more of him each second. You held onto him for support as he slowly filled you, sending ripples of pleasure through your body.

“Buck!” you gasped as he was fully inside you. He held you by your waist as you started moving up and down, your eyes locked with his. His nails started digging into your flesh as you continued moving. You thrust your breasts forward so that they brushed against his face and his stubble. His mouth was half open and his breathing ragged.

“Y/N!” he moaned. In a swift movement, you were down on the bed with him on top of you.

“I can’t…I want to…” he mumbled.

“I want to, too,” you said, smiling.

He entered you, his eyes taking you in with adoration. He started thrusting as your nails dug into his back. He started mumbling things in your ear in a foreign language (Russian, you assumed).

“Oh Buck!” you whispered closing your eyes, the weird words trembling out of his mouth turning you on even more.

He lifted himself up as he continued thrusting. His long hair was all over the place, his lips red, wet and swollen, his face flushed and eyes dark.

“Bucky!” you whimpered. You could get used to this sight for the rest of your life.

“Come for me, baby!” he said, his voice coarse.

You threw your head back, taking in the moment- just him and you in the entire world. His grunts blended in with your moans as you both came at the same time. He crumbled on top of you, spent. You ran your fingers through his hair as you tried to regain your breath.

He moved to lie down beside you. He supported himself on his elbow as he lay watching you with a smile on his face. You could feel your cheek heating up under his gaze.

“What?” you asked, unable to stop smiling.

“You are so beautiful,” he said, pushing the hair back from your face.

“I know. And you are not so bad yourself, Barnes,” you said.

He laughed.

“Do you wanna go for a walk?”

“No. I wanna cuddle with you,” you said, turning to the other side and moving closer to him.

“All right,” he said as he spooned you.

As you lay there in his arms you knew you had never felt so peaceful. Your heart was beating out so loud and fast and you were sure he could hear it. But, you didn’t care. You were home.


	15. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the last chapter. Thank you all for reading this story and leaving beautiful comments; they mean so much to me. Hope you'll like this last one too:)

_Here I am this is me  
There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be  
Here I am it's just me and you  
Tonight we make our dreams come true_

_2 months later_

It was around 6 pm when you reached the farm. Bucky was not in the house and Betty informed you that he should be getting the cows back in the barn. You thanked her and made your way towards the barn.

You had been shuttling back and forth between the tower and the farm in the past 2 months. Bucky had also come to the tower a few times, but, he was busier than you and had practically no weekend holidays. But, you loved the life in the farm and had been more than willing to do all the travelling. Though you had assured him you were ok with your arrangement, Bucky felt guilty about it sometimes. And he would go the extra mile to make your stay in the farm as pleasurable as possible and you were not complaining. It would suffice to say that Betty and Jeff’s house was probably the only unchristened place in the farm.

So things had been going great with the two of you. Bucky’s serum had been successfully extracted and thankfully, as Helen said, nothing much had changed drastically. You had reached the barn and your face split in a smile as you saw him talking to a cow, his hand gently stroking her forehead.

“Is that Bella?” you asked.

He turned around and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw you.

“Y/N!” he ran towards you grinning and pulled you into a tight hug, “You didn’t say you were coming today.”

“Surprise!” you said, kissing him softly on his lips.

“I am done here. Let’s get back to the house,” he said as he walked back and closed the barn door, “And, yes, that was Bella.”

You nodded.

“I have missed you so much, baby,” he said before he kissed you hard on your mouth.

“Hmm..” you hummed, already turned on by the heated kiss, “I have missed you too, Buck,” you whispered against his lips.

He pulled you back to the kiss, his pupils already blown out. You stood there kissing each other and swaying on the spot. His hands ventured inside your t-shirt when one of the animals mooed. You laughed and broke apart.

“Shall we finish this in the house?” he asked.

You nodded and taking his hand in yours you walked back to the house. Once inside he pulled you back to his lips as soon as you shut the door.

“Buck, wait,” you said, pushing him back.

“I have something to tell you,” you said as he looked at you questioningly.

A frown formed on his face.

“Everything alright?” he asked.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine. It’s just …what…what do you say to me moving here?” you asked hesitantly.

“You wanna move in with me? Here?” he asked incredulously.

“If you are not ready, it’s fine. I just…had to ask,” you said.

“Y/N, I would love it!” he said, cupping your face in his hands.

“Yeah?” you asked, relieved.

“Of course. It would be amazing to have you here. But…are you sure about this? This is nothing like the tower. And what about your job?” he asked.

“I am sure about this, Buck. It makes so much sense to me. And I can work from here. And go to the tower when needed. Also even if I am here, it won’t be hard to join in on the missions,” you answered.

“Y/N, the tower has been your home for so long. I don’t know if I can ask this of you,” he said, still in doubt.

“Ok! This is gonna sound cheesy. I am gonna say it anyway. Bucky Barnes, this,” you said, your finger pressing against his chest, “right here is my home.”

His eyes were shining with tears now and he gave a teary laugh before saying, “That’s cheesy. But, I love it!”

He pulled you towards him and kissed you on the forehead.

“And you are not asking this of me. I am doing it because I want to. I want to be with you, Buck,” you said.

“It’s gonna be amazing, Y/N. I promise,” he said, earnestly.

“I know, Buck,” you said, before crashing your lips against his.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Your kudos and comments make my day and inspire me to put my work out here. Please let me know if you liked the chapter.


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